Humor/Personal Development

Goodbye, blogger and hello WordPress

2006-08-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Sorry, everyone, but I've decided to switch my blog to WordPress. It's a sad occurrence I know, but it was a necessity with all the extra features wordpress has. Fuck, I just realized I need to categorize the last entry I wrote on there. This will now become more of a journaling tool, not a blog. It's going to be my private thoughts, which will be shared publically. I really don't care, because I don't believe in censorship, and neither should you. So, here's my first rant: I'm kind of pissed off about my job, but I don't know why. I'm enjoying it, the boss doesn't give me shit anymore, but I just don't see it as a career stop. Monetizing my blog is a great way to make money, but without people visiting the fucking site, how the fuck am I supposed to generate revenue if I'm the only one who visits the fucking site. Sure, it would be cool if I knew exactly what to do to monetize my blog, but it's not as easy as it looks. I know I can do it, but it will take hard work and I need to buckle the fuck down before I can fucking get a domain name and get money, money, money, money, money! I'm going to be my true self and provide tons of value, it will be amazing. I'm just so looking forward to it. Subjective reality kicks ass mother fucker. I could make another blog devoted to that, but it looks like Steve Pavlina has already done an abundance of posts on it, but I could add my two cents in, once I become an expert. I'm not going to be some "how to" moron though. That's just fucking stupid. I'm going to share my personal experiences with other people through the blogosphere and we'll see where it takes me. I wish to write a book about my thoughts, but I'm not sure how I could go about starting a book like that. Maybe I should start it in the middle of a sentence. That would be fucking crazy. Like I just type what comes to mind, it's brilliant. And once I get about 150 pages done, I'll get it published and put it out on the market. It will be amazing. Sure, it won't be grammatically correct or in any way organized, but I know it will sell a lot of copies because it will be relatable. Well, I can't believe you're not butter, see you next rant.

Who is your comedic idol?

2006-08-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

We all have some sort of comedy idol that got us interested in comedy in the first place. Otherwise, what would be the point of enduring many a night where hecklers run wild, commenting on everything from your shoes to your haircut. Well, let me share a quick story about my personal comedy idols.
When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. Sure, it was a tough break, but I needed something to keep my mind off the pain and suffering I endured on a daily basis. There was a show on TV, well two really, that made my outlook on life positive. The first show is not only the most popular sitcom of all time, but immeasurably one of the best shows ever. I'm talking about Seinfeld of course. Jerry Seinfeld is an inspiration to me. I actually got to meet him through the Make-A-Wish foundation and someday, I hope to see him again, and we can perform at the same place. It would be quite an honor to open for someone like that, wouldn't it? But the fact that he would look at all the little things in life, the small insignificant parts that we often overlook, that's what made him so great. Sure, I was going through big changes in my life, having three brain surgeries, radiation for over a month, and unbelievable pain each and every day, but to sit down for a half hour with Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, and that Elaine character really made me forget about the big issues and go small again. I absolutely adore his stand-up comedy as well. It's so perfectly timed and unbelievably crafted. I really don't know how hard he works, but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot harder than most comedians. But when you know you love comedy, working hard at it is natural, as is the case with him.
Another show that kept me laughing through this whole ordeal was South Park, one of the nation's greatest satires I have ever seen. It's all about watching just to see how far they'll push the envelope to pissing someone off. It's so amazing what they've accomplished. Sure, you may dismiss them for all the swearing and fart jokes, but they have such a wonderful message in most of their episodes that just confirm the fact that they have been around for ten seasons is not a fluke. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are geniuses.
Another one of my extremely eccentric comedy idols is a man from Boston Massachusetts named Steven Wright. He is one of the weirdest people you'll ever see and his comedy is a hodge-podge of one liners and keen observations about life. He will go from talking about how lint from a dryer is not the color of clothes, and then talk about something concerning the end of the universe. He's very interesting and very funny. His deadpan delivery only makes his material funnier, although he talks the same way in real life. Surprisingly, while he hasn't made millions of dollars, he is a very popular comedian among select groups, and he definitely does not work as much as Seinfeld, but gets to comedy clubs on a semi-regular basis today. Still, a wonderful comedian whose comedy will be sure to last for ages. It's timeless.
So, I hope you liked the list I've shared with you today and please feel free to comment on my comedic idols and you can comment who some of your own are. Peace out.

Goodbye Univershitty

2006-08-25T10:12:00.001-07:00

So, I'm out of the Univershitty. Ha, I sure hope I'm the one who thought that little saying up. That's what it was to me. Fucking bullshit, I say. So I've decided to put my comedy career into full spring. I'm starting out looking at places in Myrtle Beach where there is an open mic night and I am going, no matter what. I don't care when it is or how it's taking place, I'll be there. I've got some other ideas, too. I'm working on a script for a couple of different things, but for some reason I can never get past the first few pages before it just falls apart. I don't know what it is. I need better self-discipline I think, but hey, what could I possibly do that will help? Maybe setting certain schedules and stuff for making sure that I do what I need to do (writing) when I need to do it. I can write jokes whenever the mood strikes me, but writing a script is very long and it will take a very long time and a lot of man-hours to finish it. I have to work on different strategies to implement while working on it. If I can get onstage twice this week, it will be a bonus. If I can get on more, great. But I have to do it. Without doing it, I'm holding myself back. I just have to understand that I was put on this Earth to do this shit, so I might as well do it. I've been kind of down lately because I really can't see a way of how this will work, but I realize that if I know what I want to do, the how will take care of itself. I just have to keep doing it. I don't need some assholes telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Why shouldn't I be who I am and all? So on to stardom, and beyond, I say! I feel I grasp a major understanding of the comedic mind and just have to apply myself more and memorize my jokes, or at least get some sort of feel for each of them. I want to be comfortable just saying them naturally, not stammering over my words, so I'll have to use some methods for overcoming fear. Something of that nature. If there's no fear, I'm perfect. Fear is the only thing I actually fear. Fear is a projection into the past or future, which isn't always correct. LIke if you're afraid to ask someone out on a date because he/she might reject you, then you're afraid of something that hasn't even happened yet, but if it does, what's the big deal? Embarrassment. Oh, that's not going to kill you, is it? No. So even if it doesn't turn out the way I hope, it's no big deal. It will take more hard work, that's all. And good night you all.

Goodbye Univershitty

2006-08-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

The Universe Helped me Stop Watching TV

2006-08-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

The universe works in mysterious ways. Recently, I had been trying to figure out a way to stop watching TV, but for some reason or another, I couldn't resist the late-night TV fix. It wasn't like it was contributing anything meaningful to my life, but I still had to watch it. I had tried everything to give up this TV-watching habit until something amazing happened. It was during a thunderstorm. Two TVs were on in our house and a lightning bolt struck right near our house, making two of the TVs "explode" on the inside, rendering them useless. I know that they are very expensive television sets, but I can't help but think that this was a sign that the TV is not all it's said to be. It was a sign from the universe telling me that what I am planning to do (not watch TV) is right and it was just giving me a nudge in the correct direction. I really appreciate that, even though we'll most likely have to get involved with our homeowner's insurance to get this whole matter settled. It would be nice to have an extra $1500 sitting around, wouldn't it? I guess the moral of this story is when you get a definite sign from the universe that what you are trying to accomplish is exactly what you should do, don't take it for granted. Keep going on the path you're on and you will succeed.

What Do You Wan to Do With Your LIfe?

2006-08-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

If you knock on wood, it will make a distinct sound. If you touch a cardboard box, it will feel a certain way. If you do what you are supposed to be doing with your life, you'll feel an amazing, wonderous passion that will embody your mind, body, and spirit.
But what the hell are we supposed to do with our lives. Some people just ssem to know and do what they want to do, while others sit in a state of paralysis waiting to figure out what it is they will devote a significant portion of their life to. But how to the people who think they have discovered their life's purpose really KNOW that they have? And how do the people who haven't yet figured out what they will be doing with their lives not know in the back of their mind what greatness is inside of them?
Let me share a personal story: When I was sixteen, I was diagnosed with brain cancer. The only thing that kept me going through the three brain surgeries, the radiation, and the unbearable pain was my sense of humor. If it wasn't for that, who knows if I would still be here today? I used that humor as a tool to make my life better. After a year in treatments and recovery, I was finally cured. I was glad, but now I had only one year to prepare to go to college, and I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do there. I really wanted to be a comedian because it is one thing I"m passionate about and it also really helped me through my time of trouble. So off I went to college as a Math major with a minor in Secondary Education. I thought I wanted to be a teacher and for a couple of weeks, it rang true. This wasn't what I wanted to do with my life. But I kept going. I didn't accept the truth of my desires. I ended up attending college for three semesters trying to earn a degree that would be essentially worthless to me because that's not what I wanted to do with my life. Eventually, I dropped out of college and decided to take some time off. I still didn't know what in the world I would have to do to become who I am supposed to be. I did perform stand-up comedy at Winthrop University several times with a decent response. Since I do not yet possess a driver's license and neither did I have any friends at WU that also performed comedy, I couldn't go to the comedy clubs either in Charlotte. So I only got limited experience, much less than I should have gotten. So I still didn't capture and develop my entire talent. So I went back home and I got a job. A job is a job any way you look at it. You work hard. You don't get paid much. It's not a very enlightening experience. I guess you could say I was off the radar for awhile. My grandparents were pushing me to get back to college or I would lose my health insurance. They kept saying that and pushing me to do something I wasn't sure I wanted to do at this point in my life. So I went back, for a week. I hated it. It wasn't me. I know what I have to do now, though. I don't need some asshole teaching me about communication. I know what I need to do to get good at stand-up comedy, and if I desire, public speaking. Hopefully there's a Toastmaster's club around here. I'll have to look that up. I just need to find people with alike minds and souls. People who I can relate to. But I've decided to follow my dream and become a stand-up comedian.
That's just a summary of how I discovered who I want to be and what I want to do with my life. It wasn't easy to figure out, because even if you know what you want to do, you will often get blank stares or questions from people who don't think that you should be doing what you are. But who are they do decide your life? One of the problems in today's society is that security is valued over passion. Get the good job, get the money, get the house with the white picket fence, get married, have kids, watch your kids grow up, see them off to college, retire, and live out your old days until the grim reaper comes and gets you. Sure, that may be fun for some of you, but that's not how I want to go about living my life. I want to do something that inspires me, not some socially conditioned load of you know what.
People in poverty often loathe the people who have more money than them. But there's really nothing that great about having an extra $20,000 dollars in your pocket every year. What is it going to get you except a nicer car or a slightly bigger house? So what? In the materialism age, there is so much that we think we need, and so little that we actually do need. A wise man once told me through a story I heard another wise man say, "There are two kinds of wealth. The first kind is where you can buy anything you desire. You are in some sort of power. The second kind of wealth is to need nothing. You are at peace with yourself and that's the only "materials" you need, except food, of course." Shelter is another high priority. Friendships can be very precious also on the hierarchy of wealth. Jesus Christ once supposedly said, "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to be in the kingdom of heaven." That basically states that a man who only thinks about himself, buiding up his money in hopes of some sort of security, will never lead the fulfilling life he desires. He will evenuallly see that being rich isn't all it's cracked up to be and understand some things are more important than money. Perfect Ebeneezer Scrooge example.
So, if you're not sure what you want in your life, or what you want to do with it, I find journaling a very important tool. Just write questions down and wait for the answers to come to you. Just type or write whatever you feel after you write the question down. If that doesn't work, weigh your options and go with what inspires you most. And if you make an incorrect decision, it's never too late to correct it by changing your career.
As a side note, I am intending for traffic to build on this blog site. I really want to start making some money from this blog, so I've decided to add very dense material to it, other than the previous rantings I put on there.
It's just that I feel this is a great way to earn money without having a job and still giving value to the general public. The only problem is figuring out how to build traffic and also figuring a way to make this blog more mainstream. I'm not sure how many people read this blog, but I want there to be one thousand to one million times the traffic per month. Once I start performing comedy again, which will be very soon, I'll be able to provide a wealth of details about what gets laughs vs. what doesn't. Also, I'll be able to give you in-depth feedback about what going after your true passion feels like. So until next time, dream your life, then live your dream.

I feel much better about life right now

2006-08-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing how changing one aspect of your life brings on whole new feelings? Lately I'be been changing for the better in my mind. First of all, I'm now a cashier at BI-LO, which means no more getting carts, cleaning the bathroom, or getting the outside trash. Also, that means I have more responsibility, but it's a little more stimulating work.
Second of all, I decided what my "tru calling" is (really bad show by the way). I understand what I have to do and how I have to do it very well. Once I'm driving in October by myself, I can go to the comedy clubs and hopefully they'll let me in, even though I'm not yet 21.
Also, I've decided to put my college education on hold. Why? Because I really can't justify a reason for me being there. Besides the illusion that having a degree makes you more successful and that degrees are required for many jobs, I really don't see how it will effectively help me do what I want to do with my life. Why spend four years getting a degree I'm never going to use, right? It just doesn't make sense. And if I ever need to learn any specific skill, I can turn to books rather than professors and thousands of dollars. I can't believe so many people fall for the college scam. People teaching you things you could learn on your own and charging thousands of dollars for it. Is that insane or brilliant on their part? I'd have to say both.
Another goal I have is to make this blog more mainstream and accessible to the general public. I want to build its search engine reputation so that I can get it higher up on the list on Google, Yahoo, and other search engines. I'm accomplishing this as we speak, building denser articles and longer posts. I aim to give the general public quality as well as quantity. I try to write at least one blog entry every day to keep my creative juices flowing.
I've been really inspired lately as well. For the last seven to ten months (I lost count), I've been reading this amazing personal development blog on StevePavlina.com. The man is personal development expert in quite a lot of topics and he not only talks about growing but also why you choose to grow. One of the most profound things I got from him was, something like this: Sure it's good to have time management skills and productivity, but unless what you're doing is meaningful to you, you're more like a rat on a treadmill. That really spoke to me. Sure, I could use all these time management and procrastination skills to get a four-year college degree, but if that's not going to help me be who I truly need to be, then why bother?
So, for me, it's really a question of doing what I feel passionate about and understanding that passion, purpose, mission, and drive are the things that I need to be focused on. Motivation is only temporary, but purpose is infinite. I just need to align myself with what I need to do, not what someone else thinks I should do and gets on my back about not doing it. Of course, I'm talking about college. And college, at first, going back, I kind of thought it would be all right. But I never really liked school that much anyway. I mean, it's great when you're having fun, but meeting up to some lady's standards on math tests really don't make me want to pursue following someone else's rules anymore. Sure, I may still have to pay taxes and bills, even though I don't want to, but other than that, I'm going to live by my own rules, while also abiding by law enforcement because going to jail will totally ruin my "living by my own rules" attitude. Have a great day and thank you for shopping at BI-LO.

I'm Chasing my Dream and No One Can Stop Me

2006-08-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

I finally decided that I am going after my dream of being a stand-up comedian. Not that it's hard to do that, but I just really want to do that for a living. Just make enough money to live off of it. And that's all I need to do. Maybe some motivational speaking on the side. But that's who I want to be and nothing else. I know what my purpose in life is and I'm living it to the fullest. I also may want to write for either sitcoms or other types of shows. It's something I can really do. It's something I love to do. So why should I do anything else? Why waste my time doing things that aren't me? And why let feelings of self-doubt come between me and a fun-filled life? My life is getting better by the moment as I pursue everything I've ever wanted. This is what being on top of the world is all about. Even though I haven't succeeded yet, the journey is much more rewarding than the final reward. I understand that life is not a linear timeline of accomplishments, it's every waking moment you have, every single evening you spend talking to a loved one or family member, and doing what you love to do, and enjoying every minute of it. We're all put on Earth to find something we like to do. Fortuneately, I've found something that really inspires me and drives me to be better at. This is that stuff dreams are made of. I can't hold back my enthusiasm because i't's just bursting to get out. All I have to do is find places where I can work and do stand-up comedy and I will be all set to be who I really am and belong to the career I feel is the best fit for me. Why should I waste my time doing things that aren't me when I know who I am and now I'm choosing to be that person? This is my life's mission and I am pursuing it to the fullest. Goodbye sadness, hello happiness, I wish that I could tell you the feeling. Get the feeling, get the feeling. Go out and do what you truly love and do it for yourself. Don't get caught up in being someone you're not just because someone thinks you shouldn't. And don't be afraid of failure. Failure is very common. People who are successful must have failed numerous times before they got to the top. So don't wallow in security, go for your dream and live it to the fullest. Thank you.

Registering is not cool, but very lame

2006-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

I ran a register the other night at BI-LO, which presupposes the algorithm that whatever you attract into your life will eventually manifest. However, I found that what I thought I wanted was anything but that. It's just that I never thought my legs would hurt so much from just standing there. Who would have thought my back would ache and my legs would feel like shit after just standing for eight hours and not moving my legs? Whatever, I'll digress. I'm at college today and it's something else. My Spanish classes are dynomite! I'm learning pretty well and the teachers only speak "espanish" as they so eloquently put it. I find things like that hillarious. When they take their own language and put that spin on English. Whatever. Damn, this fucking computer lab sucks. The chairs are all fucked up. I think it's the fact that I'm too tall for this "beanbag chair" I'm sitting in. I don't know what to call the damn thing. IT's like a cylindrical pad with no backrest. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. I'm going to get carpel tunnel or whatever and sue the school for my entire tuition. That would be perfect and would benefit me financially, which is pretty damn skippy. I don't know what the hell that means, but I guess it's some sort of "loser dialect." Ha, loser dialect, I'm staring new jargon online but i'm pretty sure not too many people actually read this shit, but I could be wrong. If someone out there is reading, please give me a shout out because I need verification that this isn't all just ramblings to myself in the darkness of a Coastal Carolina University computer lab. Of course, i mean darkness as more of a metaphorical darkness and not a physical, tangible darkness. I should get all abstract now and I think it would be funny, talking about how insignificant we are compared to the scope of the whole universe and not to mention that even compared to the five to six billion people on this planet today. So I realize I am important to me, and maybe to a select few people, but to the rest of the world, my death wouldnt even phase them. As a matter of fact, they wouldn't even know I was dead, or that I ever existed. I think it's funny when I see new people because I never knew they existed before. I should tell that to people. "Hey, nice to meet you. I never knew you existed before this moment." That would be pretty funny. I like meeting new people, but only people who hold my values, like wittiness and using obscure irregular words to get a whimsical point across. I'm trying very hard to not use cliches and catchphrases anymore, unless I created them myself. No more, "until next time," but instead, "remember that life is a journey, not a destination," or some lame bullshit like that. And with that, my rambling has come to a general and expected conclusion. Peace.

I'm over the limit, I'm declined

2006-08-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Fucking bastard! I went to use my credit card today to pay for books and I was declined. What the hell? Those bastards! Fucking 250 dollar credit limit is bullshit to begin with. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? I have no money in my bank accounts, I have no credit, so what the hell am I going to do? My available credit is also cumulative from the last two and a half years, meaning I've spent less than 250 dollars on my CC and now I can't even get a fucking textbook. I had to wait in line to get ripped off in the first place, and when I got there, my credit card declined, so I waited in line for nothing whatsoever. I left the bookstore and now I'm in a computer lab in the library wondering how I am going to be able to go to my classes without books. So this just is another message from the universe that I shouldn't be here. Maybe that's what this whole thing is telling me. "Get the fuck out of there." Maybe I should because I sure as hell can't go to class without books. Not to mention that my financial aid still hasn't come in and they refuse to answer my calls or emails. There's only so much a guy can put up with right now. Why don't I go over there and give them a piece of my mind? No, what's the point? I worked for the last six months and almost all my income has gone away. This is ridiculous. If I wanted to blow all my money, I would have become a professional gambler. I'm going to have to sell my soul if this keeps up, or at least my conscience. Now I have a class at 3:00 without a book because I can't buy one, so I'm going to sit there like a moron and start crying or something. What's a guy gotta do to get free books and tuition? That's the question I should be asking myself. I figure all it will take is for me to ace all my classes, which is possible if I have all the books, but if I can't do that, then how am I supposed to afford this? I guess I'll have to put my kidney for auction up on eBay. I hear they pay $10,000 for one of those. At least then I'll be able to go to college, if not entirely healthy. But it all comes down to this: I could have waited another semester, but because of the whole health insurance issue which says in order for me to have health insurance I have to be enrolled in school full time, which eats up a lot of cash, but so does the health insurance, which probably would be cheaper than spending time here. Maybe this is a sign, though, that I may become the next Steve Jobs and not the next Steve Ballmer. Even though today is sort of a balmy day. LOL. Perhaps this is karma coming back at me for all the shit I pulled. I don't know. I was just having a good time back then and I really didn't intend to hurt anyone and I learned my lesson, mostly. It's almost as if there is a benevolent force working towards my dismissal from college for life. And if there is, I sure hope it's doing it for a good reason because I'm tired of fighting through all this bullshit that most people who attend here never have to go through. At least I keep my blog public. I don't hide my private thoughts like some people. The thing that's fucked up about criminal shit though is if you think about killing someone, it's not a crime, but if you say or write down that you are going to kill someone or that that particular person is going to die, then it's a crime. Fuck you, campus police and your terrible ways. I hate everyone and anyone who uses their job to get power over people to gratify their egos. Forget that stuff. Learn to be confident and you'll see a reprieve in the suffering of your confidence. Whatever. I have shit to do, like NOT buy books and NOT go to class and NOT... I'll let you fill in the blanks. Peace out you all.

Leverage and Calling in Sick

2006-08-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

I called in sick to work today, late, after I was supposed to be there. Come to find out, I"m the only bagger left there. Ha! What are they going to do, fire me? They can't! Ha! They have no one to replace me. Isn't that sad? THey have absolutely no one. They are fucked. Once I leave there, it's over for them, but until then, why work extra hard? They rely on me now and after I called in sick and found out another bagger quit, I just said, "Well, I still can't come in, so what are you going to do?" It's called leverage. I finally have leverage at that place and I'll use it to extract every special privelidge I can get from that fucking hellhole and eventually, I'll just quit and it will be all over. They'll be done, son. Done. They're going to learn what it's like to be fucked, literally. Not that I wish them bad once I depart, becuase I do wish them well, but I have a feeling it won't be as well for them if they don't hire new people very soon, but that's not going to happen because that store is awful. So that's why I'm busting with joy right now. They can't do a damn thing to stop me. Once I get my new job, I'll just leave BI-LO and they'll be screwed. They'll have no one and I'll be living the American dream. But enough about them. I'm not going to quit just to hurt them. I'm also going to help myself to an eventual six-figure income. It's going to be sweet. Finally, I'll be able to have the perfect way to end my "career" there, leaving them short-handed. A new job/not job equals a new life and a better one. Not to mention they're going to lose even more people after I leave and it will become the worst place ever. If that's not already true. But I wish them luck as I stroll out of there. I hope they rediscover the reason they got into this business in the first place. Treating the employees with respect and dignity. Until next time, dream you life then live your dream. Peace out.

The life others want you to have

2006-08-17T11:12:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been stuck in a position where everyone in your life wants you to go down a certain path but it just doesn't resonate with you? That's what's going on in my life right now. It's so weird because they all want me to go to college and graduate with honors or whatever and get a boring ass job and live out the rest of my days in Suburbia. But I'm not sure that kind of life is for me. Like I try really hard to be myself, but when I do, I get resistance from people who care about me and will stop at nothing to get me to do what they want me to do because they feel if they don't, I'll be a lost cause. But that's not what's going on. I know what I want to do. I really do. And I know what I don't want to do to achieve that goal and that most likely is go to college. Maybe I'm not in the right mindset right now, I don't know, but it all seems pointless to some extent. I feel trapped in a perpetual state of resentment towards higher education. It eats up all my money, and my time as well and all I get is a piece of paper that tells me that I wasted all that time. Sure, it may get me a good job or whatever, but I'm not interested in getting a job. I'm more interested in being myself and doing what i want to do. If I told that to some people, they'd be like, "Well, life isn't about doing what you want, it's about getting security and being a puppet for your superiors." But why is it that way? And why do I have to follow those stupid rules and work a job 40 hours a week, sucking company dick just to get a promotion, and finally becoming something I loathe to an unimaginable extent? Sure, it may take some time to generate income without a job, but I'm good for it. It's not as hard as everyone makes it seem. I'm going the honorable route here, so no lying or stuff like that. I just want to do something (speaking, comedy) that will show my unique flair and be something that no one has ever done, bearing my signature. I don't want to be this expressionless automotron working for pocket change for the rest of my life. That's not who I aim to be. I aim to be someone who has rich, fulfilling experiences and lives life in the way I should, not the way other people want me to. People think they know what's best for you, but they're not always right. They try to force their thoughts about how you should live upon you and eventually, they'll force you to do what they want you to do, even against your will, which isn't right. Its mostly my grandparents, not my mother because I know no matter what I choose to do, I'll be accepted by her. But my grandmother is so nervous when it comes to things like this, and she'll get pissed off if I drop out again, but what can I do? Keep living for some other people or start living for myself? It's a decision that I will have to make from a different perspective and eventually figure out what I am doing on this planet. Until then, I'll have to do something...God knows what.

Am I dying or is this just a dream?

2006-08-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

Just kidding. I'm not dying but I'm pretty close to going insane from my headache and running nose. As a matter of fact, I really can't even type this right now because I'm in a lot of pain. What the hell? I've been sick ever since I went to Coastal Carolina University. What is that saying about my fucking college career? But enough with the negative thoughts. I"m having a wonderful day and everything is working out for me. I intend for one million dollars to come into my life and the lives of everyone who holds this intention. I just want to make a mint and get out of this place. Just retire on some island somewhere where I can do whatever I want and go wherever I need to go. Why don't people just get off my back so I can just get everything done I need some sort of money-making machine, like Intra-Linux, which didn't make any fucking sense anyway. It was this thing I almost signed up for and the tagline was: "Make money, do nothing." And I was thinking, "How the hell is that even possible." It's easy, they force you to pay a 30- 100 dollar monthly fee and somehow the wealth gets distributed in such a way that you make like a little bit of money a month. I'm tired of trading my time for money. Fuck that logic. I'm going to get my income automated and my life experientated. If that's even a word. Who cares? Gracias por fucking favor. Or something of that magnitude. Aight peaceout until the cows come home (around five or so).

I feel so bad about having a cold

2006-08-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

Having a cold is miserable. I hate having a cold and I have one right now. I don't know where it came from, but it sends the message loud and clear: I am only human. But who really cares how human our physical bodies are? I really don't care. All I care about is getting rid of this cold and as soon as possible,so I am healthy and I feel great. I am healthy and I feel great. I am healthy and I feel great. Or something similar. How was your weekend everyone? Mine was filled with work and, well, more work. Work hard for the money, so hard for it honey, I work hard for the money and Mc Donald's and Greg Esper treat me like shit. FUcking piece of shit he is. I'm glad he'll never get the opportunity to read this because I'm delerious from the sinus pain and disoriented completely. I could be typing this on a spacecraft for all I know, but I'm typing it nonetheless. How come being sick has to be so bad? Why can't it be a good time? I'm going to make it a good time by watching porn tonight so at least I can forget about my sinuses and runny nose for at least thirty minutes. And I can use the nasal drip as lubricant. Hey! That will really make me feel better I hope. I've got to get the "toxins" out anyway. I've been drinking water all day and getting my groove back...again, so I think I might be all right in the next couple of instances of time called days. I went to college today and got fucked up the ass with bills and nowI got to go by books. FUcking books. They're so god damn expensive, I'm tempted to fucking steal them. But I won't because that's not me. ANymore. I probably could have pulled that off at Winthrop, but in Coastal, they make you put your backpack in a cubby hole and they fucking watch you like the Japanese (not trying to be racist here). So it's almost as if they are saying, "We know that if we weren't here, you'd steal every book in this place." And I"m thinking, "YOu know, if there wasn't anyone here, I bet I'd steal a few books." But not all of them. Ha, why would I steal a Risk Management book? Whatever. Well on Friday, I'll have to buy four or so books and then eventually burn them for spite after I sell them back and then take them away. Whatever. I'm full of phlegm so it's not easy to coagulate my thoughts. It's also not easy to live without a box of tissues. Isn't it funny how we hardly ever need tissues, but as soon as we're sick, we go through like a box a day? Maybe a good premise for a joke. Whatever. It's time to get some solid sack time (masturbating then sleeping) after my chamomile tea. Mmm. Chamomile makes me feel good inside.

Ten Reasons Why Having a Job Sucks

2006-08-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not an expert on having a job, but I've had about six years experience with it. Here are some of the "bad" things I've noticed with having a job and why you should strive to not have one:
1. You have to be there at a certain time. Why is that? And why should you let someone else decide what time you should start working. It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't. I think I should be able to work when I want an no other time than that.

2. You only get paid for how long you work, not for the work and value you create.
I've got a great quote from the movie Office Space for this one: "It's a problem of motivation. If I work my ass off and Inotech ships out a few more units, I don't see another dime! So where's the motivation?" Exactly. You could get all your work done in half the time that you're at work, but if you leave, you'll only get paid for half the time. That, to me, doesn't seem fair. You should be paid for the work you do, not the time you spend doing it.

3. Someone else is in control of your time.
When you go into work, I'm sure you have some authority figure telling you what you need to do, how you need to do it, and in what time frame it needs to be done. I don't know about you, but that is just bullshit. You should not be told how to spend YOUR life. It's not your boss's life. It's yours, so take control of it as soon as possible.

4. Low oppotunity for growth after a few months on the job.
You ever get a job, you learn the responsibilities, and you do them for years and years before you get some sort of promotion where you develop new responsibilities. And while you're waiting, you have to do the same responsibilities that you learned months or years ago and it's no challenge, and it seems to keep you bored. It's kind of a stagnation, if you will. Why would you ever want to be like a robot, just pounding away at meaningless autonomous labor?

5. You can get fired by saying one word. (No)
This is the thing that really gets to me. Let's say you worked for the past five years at a company. You've never caused a problem, you've always done what is asked of you. But one day, you're handed a project to do, and you just don't feel like doing it, so you say, "No." Then your boss hears about it, and now you're in his office and he's talking to you about "being a team player." He's threatening to fire you because you didn't do one thing. One thing. You've done thousands of projects in the past, but to your superior, that means nothing. The fact taht you've decided not to do one project is going to cause you to lose your job. Not fair, right?

6. Treated unfairly
Many people at work are treated unfairly. They lose a chance for a promotion based on some impartial person's decisiion. I'll give you an example. My old work had this guy who worked his ass off every day and every night. He would put in 50 hour weeks and work night shifts just to please his boss. He was hoping to get a job workling in the "Customer Service" section of the store. He worked and worked until he couldn't work anymore, but he kept going. When it was time to find out who got the job, he was denied and someone else got the job. The reason he didn't get the job, according to his superior, was that "he was too soft-spoken." Here's the kicker. The guy who got the job was even more soft-spoken than our hard worker. How is that fair? I'm sure the person who got the job was qualilfied, but he sure as hell didn't work as hard as Mr. Workaholic. And that's another reason.

7. Don't be your boss's "errand boy."
I remember that I had this sort of duty when I worked at BILO. My boss, a real asshole, as I'm sure you know, would often ask me to do little things around the store, like clean the floors of the whole store or move the parking lot to the back part of the store. And I did it, and I would come back and he would want more and more. And I was sick of it. Whenever something would go wrong, he would turn on me to do his dirty work and I never want to do anyone's dirty work again.

8. Company meetings
I'm sure you've all had those meetings where your company talks about mission statements and how to make the company better and how to give good customer service. Aren't those things just ridiculous? Who wants to spend their whole Friday afternoon listening to some moron drone on about some bullshit about time sheets and trash emptying? It's just not worth my time. Sorry, but it's true.

9. Watching the clock
Every employee I've ever known does not want to be at work. They're always watching the clock, seeing when the day will be over. It's not like they're actually happy to be there, they're just waiting for the day to be over. They're work resistant people. Believe me, I am like that, too, but I find that if I'm not so fixated on the passing of time, time passes by itself, more rapidly. But who wants to deal with time clocks and punch in, punch out, punch in on your break, punch off your break? Jesus, it's almost as if they don't trust us to work our shifts. Why would I want to feel like I"m not trusted? I guess this is a lack of trust between my superior and myself.

10. You are gambling.
Being employed may seem secure, but one day, if your boss is having a bad day, he can just fire you like a sack of potatoes, even if you're working as well as anyone there. If you rub your boss the wrong way just once, he could say, "Hey, I want you out of here!" If you insult your boss or tell him you're tired of being disrespected, you could be on the fence of going to the unemployment office. Why put all your eggs in an asshole's basket? You shouldn't live like that. Get your own job where you are in charge.

Well I hope you liked my article. I'll have more coming in the next week or so. Until next time, enjoy jobless happiness and don't succumb to social conditioning.

Terror Attacks and Controlling America

2006-08-13T08:19:00.000-07:00

The thing I hate most about terrorism is that it turns our nation into a nation with less freedom. For example, before 9/11, we didn't need six different forms of ID to open a bank account or we didn't need to have one million pieces of info on us at all times. Not only that, we also didn't have to get all our bags checked on a plane. Now, because of another foiled terror plot, we can no longer bring any beverages on a plane. What the fuck? Beverages. Just because a couple of assholes who hate our country wanted to blow up a few planes, we all can't bring anything liquid on the plane. What the hell is that shit? It's not like I want to blow up a plane. They want to create the illusion of security. The illusion. They want people to feel safe when safety is never the case. I hate how people try and justify the removals of our freedom. "The terrorists could attack again." Yeah, and? If they do, we'll just ignore it. See what they do then. If they start to realize that they don't make us scared, they'll have no motive to attack us anymore. If we forgive them for the attacks, what will they do then? Will they feel compelled to attack again and again and again? Or will it get old and they'll just give up. We're so hooked on the rush of getting revenge in this country. What they have to realize is that forgiveness is really self-forgiveness and just forgive anything that happens to you or your country. If people all acted this way, there would be no reason for war or terrorism. Why is there so much hate in the world? It's all caused by ignorance. People don't understand or don't know, so they react violently. Just as a kid who doesn't understand a math problem in Pre-CAl might yell and scream. But it's just the way low-conscious beings react. With rage and anger. But that's not the solution. Violence never solved anything. I'll give you an example from my gradeschool days. Whenever two kids had a disagreement, they would fight afterschool. And whoever won the fight won the argument. That didn't make any sense. What did fighting have to do with what they were arguing about, unless it was, "I can kick your ass better than you can kick mine." Violence doesn't show courage and bravery, it shows ignorance. After 9/11, we went to Afghanistan and bombed them for days. We didn't have to go do that, but the president did not want our country to look weak, but what he did was make our country no better than the one who attacked us. That's the message he sent. Killing thousands of innocent people in the crossfire as well. Sure, it was a military attack and not a terrorist attack, but we still could have handled it differently. Let's look at the train bomb in Europe. They didn't respond with military action to that, so why did we feel it necessary to bomb Afghanistan and then move on the Iraq, who we feared has WMDs but really we just wanted their oil. Violence isn't necessary. But most people, who are resonating at a very low vibration, feel we need to fight fire with fire. You know what that turns into? A bigger fire. That's not how we solve problems where I live. So why do we let some idiot leader of our country send us to war because he feels it was the right decision. I really don't think we should place the fate of our country in one man, unless it's Buddha or Jesus. People who don't think violence will solve their problems. Someone who knows, deep down, that we are all connected and anything we do to someone else affects us the same. That is what we need to do and until we figure this out collectively as a nation, we will continue to be scared into watching the news and compelled to take violent action against all those who offend us. Until next time, live in a conscious manner.

Evil bosses and how to stop them

2006-08-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

Do any of you have a boss that you hate so much, you're sure one day or another, you're going to tell him exactly what you think of him, risking your job, your family's security, and your career? Are you tired of sucking company dick to get a promotion? Are you tired of doing more than your share while not getting recognition for it and no raises or praise comes your way? Are you just fed up with your job in general? Do you want to convert to more meaningful work but don't know where to go? Someone once told me that 95% of bosses are complete assholes. This is a quote I've never forgotten. Why, in the field of having power, are most of the people jerks? Well, let's see. Every human being strives for power and once they get that power, they get drunk with it. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. That's what happens. You have to ask yourself one question: If I became the boss of a company or CEO or whatever, what would I do that would make me seem cruel or mean? How would I be perceived as a person in power? Because I know for sure that if I was boss or leader of some company, I probably would do some questionable things and may make some enemies now and then, but I sure as hell wouldn't be the kind of jerk my boss is. People in power think they can talk to you any way they want because if you respond in a hostile manner back, you're at a risk of losing your income and your family's support system. So why do we allow ourselves to be treated with such disrespect? Why do we allow ourselves to be walked on every day of the week? Just to make ends meet. It shouldn't have to be that way. We're not supposed to live like this. From what I've seen, the "working poor" get the worst of it. They work long hours for miniscule pay and they don't even make ends meet. People on minimum wage have to put up with tyrannical bosses when there is no other way that they can become employed. Bosses are complete assholes. They leverage the fact that they can fire you for any reason they desire and use that to their advantage. This is why you have to make it so you never have to listen to them again. I'm sick and tired of swallowing my pride just so I can retain my position at a job I hate until I can find another job I hate. That's not the way bosses should be acting towards their employees, the only people who keep his location running smoothly. So how do we stop these evil bovine masters? There has to be some way to do so. To me, the only way to effectively do this is to completely cut him out of the picture by quitting your job and going into business for yourself. There are many venues in which you can go into business for yourself and, hey, in this case, you are now the boss. You don't even really need to hire any employees, so even other people won't have to suffer in your presence from an overbearing master. Self-employment is king when it comes to freedom. You're not going to get yelled at for not having your shirt tucked in (happened to me six times), you're not going to have to get the project done by five, and you're not going to feel stressed because you are the one in control and your performance is only judged by you and no one else. Not only that, but if you generate multiple streams of income, it's not as risky as having a regular job. When you have a job, you really only have once source of income, and that's your paycheck. But when you have a business, you can generate millions of ways to make money in an automated fashion, and that means that you'll even get paid while you're sleeping, which is always popular. All you have to do is find what you're good at. find out what you really love to do and do it. Develop your skills to perfection, and go for the gold. It may take years, but you know that no matter what, that time is slipping away. So why don't you spend that time not watching TV, not buying worthless bobble-head dolls, and spend it creating a fulfilling career and developing your skills to a point where you can become an expert in your field. My particular strength is humor. I can write humorous articles, song parodies, perform stand-up comedy, write scripts, and many other things, but my skills are not polished yet. I'm writing every day to get my creative juices flowing and it's working well so far. I have started writing a script about BI-LO at the Beach, my place of employment. It's looking like it will be an interesting story, but I still have to turn it into a screenplay or a novel. I'm not sure which. I may write a book called Fucking Asshole Bosses. That wouldn't be a bad idea. The only problem with it is that I'd have to figure out a way to make my ideas about becoming self-employed original. I don't want to churn out the same stuff I've read. I want to take a unique approach to this. I think it will be a great book, but I'll have to put the idea in the vault and examine the possibilites for how I can make it stand out. Once I become self-employed, I may write a book called Dress Codes are for Suckers. It has a nice ring to it. I could talk about how all the rules in regulations destroy our ability of free will and completely confine us to a particular way of behaving to the point we are like zombies, just doing as we are told. It's kind of a low-paying slavery if you will. God I love this blog. All these ideas just spawn off it. It's some kind of journal or something. The thing I enjoy most about blogging is that I can write whatever I want and my services don't get cancelled. I could write about performing illegal abortions on my front lawn and no one could take this right away from me. It should be an amendment. Oh yeah, the First One entitles us to free speech anyway, so it's protected under that. I am exercising my right to free blogging expression, so you can't take this away from me. Thank you and good day. I'll talk later about terrorist attacks.

Fucking Olive Garden Sucks Ass

2006-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

I went to the Olive Garden yesterday and I seriously think I got food poisoning from them because I feel like shit today. My stomach feels awful, I feel weak, and my throat feels awful as well. I coughed up some phlem earlier today. It's going to be a long day. I can just feel it. I don't have to work today, but I feel awful. I don't know how this is going to affect me personally, but I will say I am doubtful if I will ever go out and eat again. My stomach started feeling bad right after I left the restaurant, or right before I left. And it's been feeling bad ever since. It cost me any fulfilling experience all morening, as I lay in bad, wondering when this awful feeling will go away. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Here's what I'm planning to do about it: I am going to say, "I am healthy and I feel great," over and over again so that I can finally feel better and imagine myself feeling good. I do, I feel great and I am very healthy. I really do. Let's take a moment to help those in need. Visualization is the key to achieving what you want. Sure, it doesn't work if you're not skilled at it, but you have to hone those skills over time and maybe you'll get the hang of it. Who cares about baseball though? I'm sick of the whole steroid thing. Steroids in baseball are so wrong, but people still use them. PEople don't care. Some do care. The thing that really gets me is that people who don't get tested are the most likely ones who are using them and because they do "random" testing, it is impossible to really know who is doing it and who isn't. Which is why I believe that they should test everyone. Even the people who, if found guilty of using steroids, could jeopardize the game's fan base. Remember when you used to play baseball with dreams of becoming a professional athlete? And then you realized that you would never be able to do it? Wasn't that a crushing dream? Until you firgured out what you're suited for. And you found your purpose, probably more fulfilling than the entertainment value of baseball. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. ha, ha, ha. Whatever. I have shit to do. Peace out mother fuckers.

College is some sort of cruel joke

2006-08-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

I had Orientation yesterday at Coastal Carolina University. I registered for classes there and right after I did that I received a bill for $3,650. It was pretty devastating. How in the hell am I supposed to pay this? Even if I choose a monthly payment plan, I have no fucking chance in hell of paying over $900 a month plus paying $475 a month to my grandparents. How in the fucking hell ma I going to do this? My fucking schedule got cancelled and I can't pay shit, so what the hell am I supposed to do? I guess I could just NOT go. That would be the only thing I could possibly do. What else can I possibly figure out? I may have to wait another semester. I'm not sure. My financial aid still hasn't come in yet and that really pisses me off. Even though what I want to dow ith my life doesn't require a college degree, it would certainly help and suposedly college is the best time of your life, but I'm not sure about that either. I'm just so confused right now because I know what I want to do, but it's so far away because there's only one thing my family wants for me and if I don't go to college, God knows what's going to happen. Fucking college bullshit. Why should I even go? It's not going to help me in the field I want to go in. I always hear people say, "An education is worth everything." They market this shit to us through everyone but I'm not sure about it. IT's so weird. I'm not sure if I am even into that sort of thing. I think I'm going to Olive Garden tonight. But abobut college, I just don't know if it's for me. I really don't know. I can't understand it anymore. It's just something I wonder about because everyone tells me that if i don't go, my life will suck. Says who? I can still have a fulfilling life if I don't go. I just have to figure it out on my own. I want to be on that stage. That's all I know. I don't want to go through bull shit anymore. So what do I do? I'll update on my decision later. Peace.

Poor people getting fucked, literally

2006-08-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I just want to point something I've been noticing from working in a supermarket. First of all, it seems like poor people all do the same three things. They smoke cigarettes, drink booze, and play the lottery. Three things that eat up even more money than they have, and then they wonder why they can't make ends meet. Now I'm not calling these people stupid, believe me. I'm calling the corporations evil. They're terrible. They market to these people. Poor people play the lottery because they're hoping to hit the big numbers and win a lot of money, but that barely ever happens. So they remain in poverty with less money while they smoke and addictive product and drink another shot of whiskey to drown out their miserable life. A friend of mine also pointed out that poor people, because they really don't have money to do things, will often have sex at a yonger age. Since they can't afford birth control methods, they often have many teenage pregnancies, which leads to more poverty and the cycle continues on for many generations. I did some research on generational poverty back in the day, and it's just staggering because now, while at work, I see it every day, for some people. People who have a terrible life, but they don't know that because that's all they see. They live in the bad neighborhoods, with the bad schools, with the unqualified teachers and we all wonder why poor people can't get out of the rut that they're in. It's so hard, which is why you hardly ever hear of a poor kid making it big, with so many people living below the poverty line. I don't know how people do it, but it's certainly not anything that I would wish upon anyone. They can't afford to go to college, so they have to settle for some minmum wage job and living below their means is very difficult, especially if they don't have any money. But they're used to that. They may steal, break into a building, or something else, all because they need money to feed their families, but that lands them in jail and now their family starves to death or is malnutritioned. And the cycle continues. And it's so sad to see the poor kids and the poor parents, the unwed mothers and fathers. It's just terrible. But if we can spend trillions of dollars on a war for oil, then how come we can't spend some money on the poor, the people who pump our gas, clean up our spills, serve us at restaurants, and many other menial repetitive tasks? Why can't they get a piece of the pie once in awhile? I think it would be nice, don't you? But is that ever going to happen? I don't know, but it damn well should. People should be at least guaranteed somewhere to live in America. I mean, Jesus Christ, we are the superpower of the world and we have millions of homeless. Some by choice, but some have mental illness. Some are so depressed, it's insane. Some have lost all will to live. But it's not their fault. It's the cruel world we live in. But it's not too late to change the situation. We need to work on preaching love, compassion, and taking faith in ourselves and maturing it to a higher level. We need to do this in order to raise the collective consciousness of the entire world, so that violence and thievery and murder is no longer prevalent in such a beatiful world that we are destroying mercilessly at an accelerated pace. Come join me in the fight for a better tomorrow. Peace, love, and happiness to all of you and enjoy life to the fullest, but just don't kill anyone.

The enrollment time is upon me

2006-08-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day I have to go register for classes at Coastal Carolina University and I'm not sure how I feel about it. It's kind of weird because of all this hype surrounding college. Sure, I've done a year and a half, but I'm still trying to figure out why we feel we NEED to go there and then, invariably, get a job. I'm so anti-job it's not even funny. Jobs are for suckers who can't find better ways to make money. I wish that my family understood this, but they don't and they place college up on this pedastal that makes me fell like if I don't go, I'll be a loser. But that's not true. I don't need a degree to pursue the things I want to do. Sure, it will help me, hopefully, but maybe I should just follow in the footsteps of Steven Wright. Just get the damn degree, and finally become a comedian. But there's no way to justify going to college for so long. I feel like it's going to be a waste of time, but I guess it will help if I try to get into something Communication-oriented, but why do I need a degree for that. I can just do it. There's no reason why I can't. People say that it's so important to get your degree, but that's playing by someone else's (the university) rules. Why would I want to live my life by THEIR standards? It's just not right. For some reason, I feel I should be able to live my life the way it was intended and the way I want to. I'm so sick of dealing with authority and the power trips the people in authority are on. Get off your high horse and start seeing what's really going on. I know it's hard to see from so high up. The only reason they feel confident is because they're in a position of power. Take that position awaty, what do you have? A sick slob without any self-respect. That is what they call the level of pride. You're very happy, but it's based on external events. It's not a default state of being, which is what we should all aim to endow. By the way, I'm getting a new job too. Fuck BI-LO and their bullshit. But I really don't want another job. I want to have my own way of making money, legally. You know what I mean? And it doesn't have to be that much. Just enough to pay the bills, and a little extra to buy food and stuff. I'm really good at saving money, but I'm starting to wonder if that's going to pay off (no pun intended). Because without spending your money, you're denying yourself things that you may want, or think you need. But I find much of the things people buy are wastes of money, but an education is probably the biggest waste of cash. But the time I have to invest is also a killer. Next, I'll go over how corporations love to take money from people who don't have it. See you then.

I just can't anymore...

2006-08-07T08:59:00.000-07:00

How can I? My job has become quite a cantankerous way of looking at the world. It's just so meaningless compared to what I'm supposed to be doing. Why the hell should I have to put gorceries into a bag for eight hours, not to mention push thousands of carts in every night just to pay the bills? Is that what we're supposed to be doing? I'll tell you, it's not really up to me right now. I'm going to Orientation on Thursday, but I work every day until then and I've worked every day since Saturday. It's quite a long stretch to get to the three days off I'll have, the most since late February. I really cannot digress any further about how relaxing those days will be, except for the Orientation day because that could cause some major problems, but they're only in my imagination and that's the truth. I cannot understand how much time goes by with me just lounging around, watching TV, the dreaded idiot box, which has controlled the masses for a couple of generations. It's just a funny thing wondering how short our attentioin spans have become in the last sixty years. Someone who could pay attention back in the '40s has now become the ADHD man of the century. It's just insane how children today just don't have an imagination and they take their whole days and turn it into one impulse-controlled, stimulating afternoon without just cause. Are these the future leaders of the world? If that's the case, I think I'll move to Mars. It's much more quiet and I can watch the sandstroms, which will be quite a spectacle, if you know what I mean. I just have to get enough boxes to pack all my stuff. Why do people want to be so damn nervous all the time? Worried about this, wondering about that. Who cares when you'll be dead in eighty years or so? It's just something you'll have to deal with and there's nothing you can do about it. Just fucking do it. And stop bitching. I'm tired of people bitching at me. "My job sucks, my life sucks, my wife sucks." Yeah, and? ARe you going to do anything about it or are you just going to stand there and complain? Are you looking for a solution or are you just enthralled in the complaining stage? People complain too much. That's one complaint I have against them. Complain, complain, complain. Mostly about nothing. "My husband left the toilet seat up again." What? Why don't you put the damn thing down then? All you got to do is this (pushes toilet seat down). That's all. So don't complain about shit that I don't give a damn about to me when there are plenty of complaint enablers out there who really love to hear that someone's life is worse than theirs. You ever felt like total shit, but then you see some handicapped person or retarded person, and think, "Well at least I'm not them." That's awful! You sick bastards. Whatever. People do what they do when they do it and they complain when they're not doing what they're supposed to do and that's making the most of life and not taking life for granted because eventually, it will be gone, maybe not your spirit, but you will lose everything else. And you're all going to die. All of you. Don't think for one second that any of you are immortal with your physical bodies. So don't try and preserve it by doing nothing all the time. Staying inside to avoid skin cancer. Live your fucking life people. There' isn't much time left. Pretty soon you'll be on your death bed saying, "I wish I would have done more with my life. I've wasted it all." So get off your ass and stop reading this, and go do something that inspires you. Enough reading now. Stop. I told you to stop. You're just fucking with me aren't you? Well goodbye. Gotcha. I'm still here. This is juvenile, isn't it? Well fuck you too. Peace out.

Who really cares about TV anymore?

2006-08-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

Why do people always need the next big-screen plasma TV? It's almost like they really feel they need to have it. What is there that's so great to watch? Is the next episode of Lost coming on soon? So what? I don't care because I feel that TV is a colossal waste of time. Sure, you've had a rough day, and you think you deserve to be able to sit your lazy ass in front of the TV and watch whatever show you feel like when you realize that there's so much more to do in life. TV fills the void in many people's lives, but the only reason it does it because those people haven't found something else to attribute that time to. If they were exercising instead of watching TV, maybe this country wouldn't be full of overweight fatcats. You know, if we cut out TV completely from our "diets," I think that we may in turn become one of the most productive countries in the world. No more sitting at home watching Survivor on Temptation Island 2. No more checking if Drew Carey got together with whoever the fuck he goes out with. No reason to check on Jay Leno or Conan O'Brien because they are just on too late. To me, I find that a lot of people base their whole lives by what's on TV. They're like, "Let's see. I have to do this tonight, but Charmed is on, so I'll have to do that some other time. It's an all-new one." What is with all=new? Like only part of it is going to be new. "Today we have a half-new Power Rangers on. The first half is the same old crap you've already seen, but in the second half, we'll show you something new." What the hell? And then shows will fuck with you, like if it plays weekly and all-new ones are coming out, every once in awhile, there won't be an all-new one, but one from the same season, but previously in the season, that you most likely already saw and don't feel like wasting your time watching, but you still do. There's always something better to do. Work out. Take up a hobby. Sell stuff. Shoot birds at the airport. I don't care. The fact is that we're spending more time in front of a piece of furniture than we are interacting with human beings and animals that are real. We know more about Bart Simpson's childhood than our grandmother's childhood. We can tell you if The Price is Right, but we haven't actually went out and bought anything significant to boost energy levels. Many people just spend hours and hours in front of the TV during those "marathons." Don't watch a marathon, run a fucking marathon. Imagine the story you could tell. Don't watch Gilligan's Island, go to Gilligan's Island. that's the type of thing you have to do. Why watch other people have a great time when you could be doing it yourself? Am I right? Just imagine what would happen if we all stopped watching TV. Just think about that for a minute. Then imagine what would happen to all the TV networks. Kerplunk. All bankrupt because the deflated Nielsen ratings will cause the sponsors and advertisers to stop wanting to get their commercials on the air, which in turn will cause the networks to lose all their revenue. And a collapse ensues. And we're all grateful for this collapse because we now have found much better things to do with our lives, therefore making TV obsolete. Sure, we still have the Internet, a wasteland of advertisements, everywhere you look, ads, ads, ads. But that's something for another article. Because there's too much to say. But TV is just awful when you look at it long enough. What is there to watch? Even if you think you like a show, try not watching it once. Does it kill you? NO, I hope not. I remember a couple of times I was really into a show, watching it, waiting for the commercials to end, etc, but at one point, I was like, "Why do I even care? This isn't my life. Why should I care about these people if they're not even real?" So i turned the damn thing off and I'm on the path to stopping this incessant TV viewing for good because it's just so damn pointless. It's almost as if TV is some kind of drug that we are all addicted to, except for a select few. I just don't want to be the guy who bases all his conversations about Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. You dig?

Happily Jobless or unhappily employed?

2006-08-05T09:31:00.000-07:00

When mapping out your life plan, this question usually comes up. Do I want to have a job and be an indentured servant for the bulk of my years or do I want to not do that at all and do whatever I want and find alternative ways to make money. And by alternative, I don't meet prostituting myself out because honestly, anyone could do that. That's why they call it the oldest profession. Basically, no matter how old you are, you could probably do it, barring a massive coronary. Ha. Just kidding Hef. But anyway, I think that having a job, as in a place you go five times a week eight hours a day, is not for me. That's just too much work. And the value you're providing is worth way more than what they pay you. Plus there's all those taxes they just take out for no reason. I'll tell you what, that doesn't sound good to me. That's what I'm doing now to get trhough college but once I get my degree, forget that. If I go into radio or speaking and comedianing, well, I won't have to trade my time for money. The money I make will be based on the value I am giving. If I'm a good speaker/comedian, then I'll make good money. I won't have to work eight hours a day or 40 hours a week. Sure, I may have to rehearse for more than that and write speeches more than that, but at least it will be in a relaxed environment. I won't have some boss man watching over me and critiquing me. Telling me that if I screw up one more time I'm gone. I can't deal with that and I shouldn't have to. Why should I put someone else in charge of MY time? Why should I? It's just not worth it. That's like letting someone else live your life for you. Why would you want to do that? The only reason I could ever see someone wanting to do that is if they didn't know what they wanted to do with their life, which in that case go ahead and let someone else tell you what's right for you. I know what's right for me. Maybe you don't know what's right for you. That's something you have to work out yourself. Don't let someone tell you what to do, unless you're open to what they say, but don't let them make you do what you don't want to do with your life. Why spend your whole life living out someone else's life? That's like some parent who never became an actress forcing her life on a young child because she wants the child to be what she never was. Don't do that to anyone. Please, if your life sucks, and you didn't get what you wanted, don't try to get someone close to you to liv eout your dreams. That's not right. So live your life and just rmember, it's never too late to do what you want to do. Quit your job. Do it. Have a very relaxing life. You can. And in time, you will.

So yeah, don't go see the new Will Farrel movie

2006-08-04T19:41:00.000-07:00

I went to go see the new Will Farrel movie. It was that NASCAR bullshit movie and it was one of the worst things I've ever seen in my entire life. Don't waste your money or your time. If I would have left early I could have gotten a refund, but they wouldn't have been able to refund the time I wasted in that movie theater, so it wasn't worth it in the first place. It was so bad I almost cried while in the theater. My grandfather, who went to go see it with myself and my brother and a cousin of mine who actually liked the piece of lousy film, walked out. My grandfather couldn't take it anymore and he left. Later he told me that he, in his lifetime, has only walked out on three films. One being this, another being Doctor Dolittle, starring Eddie Murphy, and another film he can't seem to remember. It was just something else. I don't know how immature you have to be to enjoy this movie, but the sad part is is that the people who made this film are getting paid for it. Paid for it! It was supposed to be funny, but it was anything but hilarious. It was a joke in the worst sense of the word. I would have appreciated it if it at least attempted to not be so fucking cheesy with the jokes and just stupid, idiotic dialogue that didn't even resemble anything I've ever seen before. It was quite a disappointment. Not to mention I hate Will Farrel even more than ever. I've never liked him when he had a starring role. I only like him in small doses, and even that's pushing it. I liked him in Zoolander, when he played Mugatu, but besides that, he's quite a flop. I commented in the movie that our ticket should have came with a revolver so if the need strikes, we could end our lives. This has to be a movie that terrorists will show to people they capture to get them to comply. I believe I saw the worst possible movie ever. And you know what? It was worth it. Only because now I know what the movie theater gives to me. Shit movies, uncomfortable chairs, and expensive tickets. Why should I waste all of that when I can rent any movie I want without having to go through all that? I don't have to guess what it's going to be about, I can just rent the movies people tell me are good and I'll put my faith in that. Sure, they'll be a few clunkers, but nothing quite as bad as Ricky Bobby's Tengayga falls or whatever the hell it was called. Fuck it, I don't care what it was called because it was such a piece of shit. I think I'm going to start listing my ten least favorite movies on this blog, but that'll be for another day because that movie has left me traumatized. And my cousin Nick liked it! Can you fucking believe this shit? This mother fucker knows everything about almost every movie and he fucking liked that piece of shit, commenting that "YOu guys are fussy when it comes to movies." Well, you're just fucking lying because if you liked that movie, it's almost like saying, "I'm a fucking moron redneck and I live ina double-wide trailer." That's what it's like saying, so why don't you people who think that kind of idiocy is funny go home and think about why you actually consider that humor? Why don't you? Because I believe that if you do, you will change your mind about that worthless flick so fast your credit rating will go up. That's all I have to say about that movie. Peace out.

Jesus vs. the rest of the world

2006-08-03T09:09:00.000-07:00

Even though I am not Christian by nature, I find that Jesus had undeniable courage and enlightenment to say the things he did in a world that was so against him. The preaching he brought even brought him to the grave. But enough about Jesus. What about me? How can I go on in life knowing that at my tender age of 20 many people have already accomplished much more than me? What does that say about me? I guess it says that I'm just very patient. Some people, at my age, have already gotten married, performed surgery, composed symphonies. But that sort of thing is not for me. Well, I would like to compose a comedic symphony if at all possible. But I would not want to cure cancer, because I feel that I don't really want to right now. Sure, I know that there is a way to effectively cure cancer and I do believe it is non-medical, but many people would disagree with me. Look at the world around us. How many things can you name that are KNOWN to cause cancer? Exactly. And how many more items will there be before we all die? Millions, I say. But in a battle for power over cancer, we overlook some of the most basic things. Smoking. If you are a smoker, why do you do it? You know it causes cancer, but then again, who cares right? You're only going to shave ten to thirty years off your life. Who cares about senior citizen's bingo night? Who really cares about athritis medicine? I also don't like people who use alcohol because it is a very addictive substance and it is very possible, with the amount of alcoholics in the world, to become thoroughly addicted for your whole life and certainly ruin your health and the health of others. So don't drink too much, okay? It's just not good for you. And don't kill yourself over something stupid. Don't jump off a bridge because you have bad credit or because your girlfriend broke up with you. It will pass in its own perfect time, ya mean? Just kidding about the ya mean part. Had to put it in though. Anyway, people dying stupid deaths really gets to me, too. People who get hit by cars or don't buckle up when they're in their car and get hit by another car and die. That is just a meaningless death. But we mourn these people as if they're something great. At people's funerals, mostly good things are said about every individual, probably becasue we try not to remember the bad stuff. But there are bad things in people's life. And we deserve to say them, even after the person is gone. But why go to the funeral at all if all you're going to say are bad things? I wouldn't go to that funeral, would you? But all you have to remember is that nothing really matters until you make it matter, so make the most of your life. It's not going to be around forever. That's all I have to say for today. Consciousness bless.

Blackstreet's black, all right!

2006-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

Jesus, it's been a rough week. I worked my ass off yesterday and I'm sore everywhere and guess what? I have to go back to work today. I guess one of the baggers who wasn't doing what he was supposed to do either quit or got fired. I've always wondered why they called it "getting fired." Is it because it rhymes with hired? Or did they invent the word hired because it rhymes with fired? Food for thought, nonetheless.
Anywho, it's about that time of year when a lot of people are leaving BI-LO and I will be wwitching to part-time so that they can't force me to go in when I'm at school. Could you believe that if they started calling me while I was in class? "Hey, Andrew, sorry to interrupt your physics class, but we really need you to come in as soon as possible." Ha, those bastards don't know what they have coming to them. Achooo! I almost sneezed for the second time, meaning I haven't sneezed yet, I've almost sneezed twice.
Right now I'm eating a banana. Banana is hard to spell because when you're typing it, it's like "na-na-na-na, when do I stop?" It's a good banana though. It has first-class written nall over it. You know, they say everyone should have five servings of fruits and vegetables in order to be healthy, but I see anything but that with most people. For most people, their vegetable is a batch of McDonald's French fries and a diet fucking coke. Mmm mmm, grease and sugar...brings back memories, but not mammories. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood today, I may go out and walk before I go out an go to work because I'm fixing to start working out again. (Did you see that? I just used southern slang. "fixing to go do somthing" Ha, ha, ha.) I hope you appreciate those commas between each "ha." That siginifies I paused between each one.
Mel Gibson is in the news. He got arrested for a DUI. Damn skippy, you stupid Jew-hating bastard! Just kidding, Mel. He went to rehab. I say rehab's for qutiters. And I still haven't seen the Passion. You know what, you probably already know why I didn't go see if if you've ever read my blog, so hey, there's not explanation required, ya mean? If I may quote South Park, "Mel Gibson is fucking daffy." And there you have it. Peace out, home fries.

Soreness and Apathy

2006-07-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone has people at their job who never pull their weight and because of this it forces you to work almost double as hard as you normally would to pick up the slack of the other people whoaren't doing what they're supposed to do. And it's really difficult to deal with these people, as most of them end up quitting, putting even more of a burden on you. And it's just terrilbe how some people just don't work when they're at work. They fucking walk around the store or just do absolutely nothing. This is yet anothe reason why I never want to work in a job setting again. After I get all my debts paid off, no more job for me. I'm going to become a self-made millionaire. That is it. A self-made millionaire. And the funny thing is I probably won't even need all that money, so I may go into creating a charity or something. Or I could do something where I travel the country, giving money away, or whatever. It would be a very cool idea. I have to mke enough money to where I never, ever have to work at a job again and never ever have to put up with bosses and people who don't do their share of work. If I start my own business, it would be very consciousness=based, along with some humor that many people would enjoy. I want to be a speechwriter and/or speaker. Now, I'm not sure about being a speechwriter because I don't want someone else conveying my message. Not to mention, they're my thoughts and words, so why in the hell would I want someone else saying them? It's not like that's what THEY actually think. So why would I have them say it? So, I have a new path in my life right now. I'm glad I'm going back to college because I'll take classes that will allow me to hone my communication skills and further sway me towards the road of communication. I first thought I wanted to be a math teacher before I went to college. What a silly thoght that was! Ha, that's just too much work for so little return. All those math classes were so out of sync with who I am as a person, so that's one reason why I have to not do math anymore. With the amount of courses I have in mathematics, there is no way I'll ever have to take anothe rmathematics class again, especially in the realm of calculus or wacky geometry. At first, I wondered why I felt I had to do math in the first place. What kind of monetary and motivational gain did I get from it? It was just a bunc of frustration. The only releif I got was when I looked in the bakc of the book to check my answers and found out that one of them was right. I wonder how many people in the world want to make their own monetary blog, though. I should start monetizing this one, as soon as I get web traffic. Until then, I'm blogging for free. And that's okay. I'm fine with that. It gets everything out in the open. If there's something that I'm thinking about subconsciously, it gets out. All right, gotta go take a shower before another miserable day at work. Peace to all the people whoa re reading this and good luck in life.

I have to work today, again

2006-07-29T08:21:00.000-07:00

This fucking job is eating up all my time with my family. It's terrible. I don't get to spend hardly any time with them anymore because of this fucking job. Why don't I just quit this fucking job? Because it would piss off my entire family and I know if I quit this job, they're going to make me get another one, so there's no way out. I don't want to be the kind of person who works, works, works for the rest of his life and never really acomplishes anything. WHo the hell wants to do that for a living? Work until you fucking die and then you wonder where all the time went. I'm tired of asshole bosses, I'm tired of having to work certain hours that are just so fucking inconvenient, and I'm tired of taking crap from my bosses when I'm one of the hardest working people there. I just can't deal with this shit anymore. So many people are already quitting, and most of them I liked to work with, but since they're all fucking leaving, there's really no reason for me to stay. They treat me terrible, and I think it's time for a change, but I don't want another slave job. I don't want another job where they treat me like this. I want a job where I am respected for who I am, not tossed around like some lump of crap. So this is what's going to happen. I'm going to tell whoever is there today that I'm sick of them and that they can go to hell. Then I'm going to fucking quit. How can I be expected to perform well when I'm being put with morons who can't do their job correctly, and this puts more weight on me? How is it even worth going anymore? I just don't feel like that job anymore and I never ever am going to have a job like that again. I don't want a job that's so rush, rush, rush. I want a job that's more laid back, one that's not all work and no play. That's all I'm asking for. That's it. Just a job where I'm not being forced to go outside in 100 degree heat and get 150 shopping carts in ten minutes. I'm jsut so tired of that kind of thing. Just cna't take that anymore. And they pay me minimum wage for this shit. Fuck them. Where's my raise? I've been there eight months. I'm so done with them. So fucking done. They've seen the last of me, believe me. And so has this blog entry. Peace out.

What's your inspriaton quotient?

2006-07-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

They say that you should always do something that inspires you and resonates with you as a person. Be this a job, a hobby, or just a state of being, one needs to find something out there that he/she loves and just pursue it to the fullest with no exceptions. Why live on Earth if you're not going to do what you feel you were meant to do? Is there really a point to your existence? To be the person who had so many aspirations but never came through is the person who will never receive recognition. When they die, their eulogy will be about what a good person they were, but also about how they never got to their dreams. You have to reach your dreams. Many people give up on their dreams because people tell them they aren't realistic or that they will never ever happen. People often let others dictate what they are going to do in life. Often they're guilt-tripped into doing a job or a service they really don't want to do. But they still do it. They really don't have anything planned in the moment, so they settle for it. I am guilty of that. For some reason, people would tell me that I would be a great teacher. For awhile, I thought the same thing. I went to college wanting to be a math teacher, but it just stopped inspiring me after awhile. I worked through the tough times, but only more tough times followed. So i decided to change career paths. Public speaking and standup comedy is what truly inspires me in the depths of my heart and soul. Being a teacher would have satisfied that need to an extent, but in the long run, it would have been something that would have left me burnt out. Public speaking, speaking in motivational fashion, telling jokes in front of an audience. Those were the things I was put on this Earth to do. And if I don't meet those goals of mine, it will be like I'm turning down this incredible gift that I have. Sure, I"m not the best at my field yet, as my skills aren't as honed as some masterful speakers/comedians. But I'm on my way to becoming a good speaker. I just have to work hard at it and I'm totally fine with that. I really just have to form a strong connection with people and show them that I am here to entertain/motivate/inspire them. I'm not going to put profit ahead of my message. My message will be simple. You can do anything you want if you just set aside all your doubts and fears about what you're capable of. Why live a life of mediocrity? Why do that when there's so much more to life? Why life your life in fear of the media and all the propaganda we're fed with a spoon every day of our lives? Why waste time doing things that don't really need to be done but we're so socially conditioned to thinking we have to do that we think we need to do them anyway? Don't waste your life doing what everyone else is doing. It's not worth your time. Do something unique, something that will set you apart from everyone else. It's just not worth it to spend your whole life just living someone else's goals. Just not worth it. And more on whether what you're doing is best for you later, but very soon. Peace out.

Who's your slave master? Who is it? Huh?

2006-07-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

At work yesterday, as I've been getting tired of working at the place I'm working, I got talked to by one of the managers. It was funny because he was noticing all the things I've been doing. Mumbling under my breath, wandering around the store. Ha! He nailed me. That mother fucker. It's only more consolation that I need to start my own business. Yup, starting a new business is what I need to do. It's all going to start with this blog because that's all I have. I don't have anything to sell except my hopes, dreams, and my userd goals. I just can't do that demeaning work. Emptying trash cans, cleaning bathrooms, getting shopping carts off the parking lot and we have 250 of them, no lie. Not to mention while I'm not doing that demeaning bullshit, they want me to bag groceries, do clean ups on aisle seven, or whichever aisle has a clenaup, stock ice in a fride among other things. And that's for the lofty paycheck of $7.00 an hour. I've been there eight months. NO fucking raise, nothing. They treat me like I don't exist, so why should I act like I do? But I believe that I'm going to get a new job and I'm going to look for a new job before I start this business. I just don't want someone else in charge of my time. Being at a job makes me feel powerless while I'm there. It's just not fiar. It is my life. I should be able to control what I do in my life, not surrender to some slave master every fucking day. Maybe he'll sell me to a better master. "Oh no massa, I never roam again." Ha, ha, ha. But anyway, slave wages, slave job, and I'm French Canadian. What the fuck? I never heard of any French Canadian slaves? So why should I be slaving to these people? I slave over a hot cup of tea every day while I write this article I'm writing right now. Guess who's talking about Jesus? Just kidding. I don't really hav e a method to my job, but what's going on is now they want me to tell them if I'm going off the front end at all times. That's bullshit. Why should I have to do that? Fuck it, I don't want a job, I'm going to college so I don't need to have one. I'm doing speaking, standup, raido and shit like that. And that's the word. I don't want to latch msyelf onto some career where I have t his boss man telling me what I can do with my time, what I have to wear, who I have to interact with. Who the hell is he to tell me what to do? he's just worked that the demeaing job longer than I have and probably sucked a lot of company dick just to get those promotions,which I really don't condone. Which is one reason why I'm choosing to get my own business with no employees and just me, myself, and Jesus on my side. Just kidding about Jesus. Buddha would be a better apprentice. All right, good day.

Fucking College FAFSA bullshit

2006-07-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe what just happened. I filled out a FAFSA for my new college and guess what? I hadn't received any financial aid and school is less than three weeks away. So what did I do? I sent an email to the school. And what did they tell me? They told me that I had been selceted for verificatioin and I would have to fill out some dependent verification form or something and after that it would take two to three weeks to get my financial aid. Just fucking great. Now I won't be getting my financial aid until AFTER I start going there. What the fuck? Why didn't they fucking tell me this shit and not wait for me to fucking contact them because my fucking aid hadn't showed up yet? What is their fucking problem? No I'm pretty much fucked up the ass until I get the aid and that's not fucking fair to me. That's not fair. Why couldn't they have infomed me about this sooner? There I was, expecting the aid to come, waiting, waiting, wondering why I didn't get it yet, so I asked them and they made me so pissed off I can't even tell you. They just don't fucking understand. Two weeks from now is when I have to register. Those fucking bastard mother fuckers. Well, what the fuck can I do but send that fucking paper in and fucking hope that they fucking verify it or something and do that shit in a timely mnner or I'm going to fucking ring their god damn necks. Those fucking assholes! They're going to get a serious talking to by me. I'll update the situation later. Peace out mother fuckers.

Zombies Racing to Our Graves

2006-07-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

To me, it seems like many people in today's culture love to rush, rush, rush. They always have to be doing something. They're never relaxed, they're always stressed out. And for what? The answer is nothing. Why do these people feel they have to work so hard to achieve some result that they don't even know why they're trying to achieve it? What is going on with this? There are people who work more than 75 hours a week and they have no time for reflection or anything similar. They just work, work, work and before they know it, they're dead. And they never saw it coming. One day they're 85 years old on their death bed waiting to get their last rites. And it's sad, it really is. A life wasted. A life that really didn't mean anything because this person spent all his time doing something he hated or didn't have to do in order to make a living. One of the greatest quotes ffrom Marc Allen is "Money is a great servant but a terrible master." That is so true. Money is a great worker and can allow you to do a number of things. But when you let money rule your life, you become miserable; a slave to every becon call. It's terrible how some people have to work all their waking hours just to make ends meet. But it doesn't have to be that way. Things could be better, if they could see that there are alternative ways to live and if they could only find them, things would get a lot easier. I hate seeing people who complain all the time, too. About their job, about their family, about whatever is in front of them. if you have a problem, don't come complaining to comeson, but work it out. That's how you solve problems. Assess the situation, work at it, and come to a conclusion. If your spouse isn't as loving as he/she used to be, you can make one of two decisions: go to marriage counseling or get a divorce. The dreaded D word. Well, it happens to more than half of the marriages today, but I don't blame everyone for that. I blame the people who get married over five times in their lives. Those people are making marriage look like a bad thing. But sometimes it can be a bad thing. But I have no experience in this field, so maybe I'm not the one who whould be giving pointers on marriage. But you know, I don't really care. You can take my advice or you can shun me. Do whatever you want because I really don't care. Just get a car and race, race all the way to your grave. And that's all for now.

Speedwalking in Myrtle Beach

2006-07-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

I've become part of the whole racewalking phenomenon, which contains just myself. I racewalk on this golf course for about an hour or so, including the walk to and from it. It's a good workout. I sweat pretty profusely. It's very good to get it done around 7:00 PM until about 8 or so. I'm trying to lose some more weight that came back after I fell off the sugar wagon. It has happened before and it will happen again. I'm tired of being force-fed by my family. Ice cream, cake, sweets galore, not to mention the calorie-loaded dinner they feed me. And I can't say, "No, I don't want all that food." I'd be ostracized. Sometimes I wonder how I would eat if I lived alone and just got the food I wanted and that's it. I'd probably be underweight, but that's not really a problem as long as I was in good shape. I'm in decent shape now, but I could do more with my stomach, which is not rock-hard like my legs. At least I have some physical workout during my day. It's way better than watching TV, which is a mind-dulling experience. My mom was right when she said, "Don't watch that, it will rot your brain." It makes you a passive observer to things that other people are doing and most of the time, there's no real value to it. There are, of course, exceptions like the Nature channel or Discovery, but for the most part, it's celebrity trashing, animated garbage, and boring reality shows. That's all I see on the TV. So why should I watch it when I could be getting exercise or reading a good book. It's just not worth my time. I'm enjoying the hour or so that I am getting exercise though. I would have went to the gym, but when I walked in, I heard all this clamoring. I look in the back where the gym is, and there's like 100 or more old ladies all playing bingo. So I didn't want to work out with all these people watching me while getting I-21 for a double Bingo. I just don't have the nerve for it. So I kept walking for another 45 minutes for a total of an hour. Not bad, though. Better than playing Bingo. So I ate dinner and got stuffed to death, which I really didn't want, my grandmother asking, "Do you want more potatoes? More chicken?" What could I say? Yes, I took more. But it's okay. The ice cream afterwards is what killed me. A big ass bowl she made for me and I ate the whole thing. And I feel like I'm being guilt-tripped into eating it. Whatever, I'm just tired from my run/walk. Well, should I stop blogging for today or should I talk about IHOP? I went to IHOP today and we were discussing what the tip should be and I left $1.00 of my money and a 55 cents off coupon for Celestial Seasonings Tea. I was cracking up when I did that. I have that kind of way about me. Always thinking of a funny thing to do in certain situations. Or the quote I said last week, "I sure hope that's maple syrup and not Dead Baby Juice." Just things like that that make me and my brothers/friends laugh their asses off. Anyway, got to get some work done or something like that, meaning I'm going to watch MAtlock or some outdated obscure show. Peace to you all who read this, if there's anyone here. Good night.

Baking Non-Denominational Cookies

2006-07-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

What is it with the Christian faith that makes it so appealing? Why do so many people just accept all those things in the Bible to be true? I think it's because they were conditioned from a young age to believe that sort of thing and most people never really question it. For some reason, they just follow it blindly forever until they die and God is at their side. It's just something else, it really is. Now I'm not saying I don't believe that there is a God, but I do find the whole Jesus story a bit embellished. For example, when Jesus turned water into wine, which he supposedly did, I'm sure most of the people who were with him were drunk and they were out of wine, or so they thought. Jesus, who had been studying magic tricks, decided to put on a little show for everyone using the ever popular, "Turn around, turn around," and while everyone was turned around, he turned water into wine. I'm sure that was amazing back then, but the magicians today are so much more sophisticated. I'm not saying that Jesus wasn't a great leader and that he didn't have good ideas. Many of his ideas I base my life around, but him being the son of God, I really don't think so. I think he was vibrating on a very high frequency, meaning he was very in tune with all of creation, but he wasn't a God, but he had an idea of who God was and he showed people the way of the Lord, and that's good for them. The thing I really don't understand about religion is it's mostly fear-based. If you don't do good deeds, you go to hell. This is mostly Christian based religions. There's always this punishment for bad deeds. It's almost like the people who thought up this religion counted on people being evil and made up some place that didn't exist to scare people into being good. Is that how you want to live your life? Always scared of doing the wrong thing because you think you'll end up in hell? No thank you. You can look at this through a Buddhist perspective, which says that everyone is connected and there are no individual beings, so if you hurt someone, you hurt yourself. Similarly, if you help someone, you are simultaneously helping yourself. Which is a great philosophy to go by if you believe it, but there is no fear involved, just the fact that if you do wrong to someone, you are doing it to yourself, which may not make you feel very good. And feeling bad is yet another reason not to commit bad acts and a more motivating one at that. Christians have a way about them where they feel if they don't try to convert everyone to their religion, that the non-believers are doomed to an eternal hell-fire. So they try and force you to go to their little meetings and say, "It'll be fun. No pre-marital sex or talking to people of the opposite sex. Good, clean, Christian fun!" Fuck that, I really don't have time for that right now. I'm just trying to get myself straight up good. I don't want all these rules. Rules are no obstactles for committed people anyway. People have killed millions and millions of people in the name of Christianity. Thou shalt not kill is the most excepted commandment that that religion has, so why are these people, who believe Jesus Christ died for our sins, and believe that people who don't follow what they believe will be doomed to eternal hell-fire want to kill people who don't believe? Do they not even want to give them a chance to become their religion? I gotta give it to the Jews though. All that persecution over five thousand years and there are still many, many faithful Jewish people. I really respect them, although I don't belive Moses talked to a burning bush. Maybe a tree, but not a bush. It's just something else though when you look at all the things that people believe about reality and it's all just a way to live and a way to cope with death. People believe if they're good, they'll go to heaven. If they kill themselves, they'll have 72 virgins waiting for them. If they die for their beliefs, they'll be a martyr. It's all a way to cope with death. See that now and you'll realize the whole reason for religion. It's an explanation of why we're here and where we're going. So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm looking well in the direction of non-duality, or the feeling that every being is connected on a spiritual level, so anyone and anything I help or hurt has to do with myself in the same respect. All right, have a nice night, I'm hitting the hay. Then I'll get some sleep.

Life is so depressing sometimes...

2006-07-25T08:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like your life is going nowhere and there's nothing you can do to stop it? I just feel that way right now. Nothing really inspires me in my life right now, except for comedy. Everything else is just depressing. I hate my job, it's so boring and unfulfilling. The only reason I haven't quit yet is because I don't feel like going through the hassle of looking for another one and all that waste of time. It seems like everything we do on this planet is a waste of time. We work long hours, for what? Some money and a look of satisfaction on the boss's face? I'm just tired of sucking company dick for years just to get a promotion, which by the way, hasn't even come close to happening yet. Why should I have to dress up, go to work, put up with bull shit all day, and then not even receive any praise for it whatsoever? I'm just sick of that job. I really am. I work my ass off. I've been there for more than eight months and no evaltuion or raise has come my way. It's like they don't give a fuck about me and people who have only been there maybe two months have already had their evaluations, so what the fuck is going on here? They're playing favorites and fucking screwing me over once again for no good reason? And I don't want another job. Fuck that. I'll start my own business or become an author. I'm tired of wasting time doing shit I'd never do if I had the choice. That job is the only thing I have right now. Since I moved to SC, I went to college, made a few friends there, left there, now I'm home and I don't drive, and I only go to work because I don't know anybody here. I didn't go to high school here, so I don't have any friends from there. there's no one my age in this neighborhood and if there is, I don't want to be friends with them. I'm just sick of certian people and I can't take it anymore. My job sucks ass, it's one of the worst jobs I've ever seen and I get treated like shit mostly from management. Then my homelife isn't that bad, but it's not anything spectacular. I think I'm going to move this blog to private so i can vent on my own without people reading it. I don't want people reading my inner thoughts. By the way, cancel the flyer thing I was going to do at work. I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I have to work on my real passion, comedy and it has to start now. I have all these great ideas, but executing them seems to be a problem for me. i need people to help me. But I don't know anyone here because I havent's really been here very long. I'm not going to use people at work for my social outlet too much because those people, well most of them, are vibrating at such a lower frequency, it's like talking to a primate. Especially my store manager. That guy is an asshole bastard mother fucker. He needs to get the fuck out of my store. I can't stand his fucking fat, evil ass. He's lucky I don't report his ass to the Corporate offices. He's a racist, too. He made a racist comment to me about being French Canadian and I shoudl report him. All right then, I'm looking for a new job, one that fulfills me somewhat. I know I'm going back to college in less than a month, but I just can't take BI-LO anymore. It's just a waste of my life. Why should I have to spend 40 hours a week doing something I don't want to do? It's just not worth it. I'm going to drop my negative thoughts and become soemthing meaningful. All right, that's all I have to say for today, I'm done with this shit.

Oprah Winfrey takes the cake.

2006-07-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

All the cake. She is such a bitch. Nobody really believes her advice. What is the matter with her? She thinks she's so damn special. I saw the epidsode on the choking game. The fact that she had the audactiy to call it a game just didn't sit well witgh me. How can you call it a fucking game when people die from it? Oprah doesn't give a shit. Choking game sounds marketable and it will get viewers. Forget about the people who died from it, let's make it into a game. Fuck you, Oprah. I really think that you should quit your job and tutor middle eastern love children of you and that middle eastern mother fucking bastard you slept with when you went to adopt nineteen African babies. You exploit the fact that you went to Africa so many times. So what? I could go to Africa. Who couldn't? It's not hard. Just take a god damn plane and go there. Who do you think you are to recommend books to read? Not only do you tell women how to think, now you want to tell them what to read too? I bet fifty thousand dollars you've only read about half the books you recommended. You're a fraud. No one wants to talk about you. Everyone does, though, only because they think that since you "came from nothing" you're such a sucess story. Well, I think you're just selfish as hell and the only reason you do those good deeds is to get recognition from millions of people. And when you have your "favorite things," things that were donated by certain companies, don't act like you paid for them. It's just not right. Oprah, that is all I have to say to you.

Vow of Silence and You're Fired

2006-07-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Today, for at least five hours, I took a vow of silence. I was at work, a job which requires me to talk on a regular basis, and just said absolutely nothing. It was great. I got this newfound energy doing it because I wasn't talking, so all that energy was stored and made into positive energy. It was a unique experience and I feel it was one of the best I've had at work in a long time. I have to get a new job because I feel like I'm pulling the whole goddam store and no one else is helping me sufficiently. No one works as much as I do and as hard as I do, exept maybe one or two people out of over 100 working there, so why should I bust my ass and get paid shit while other people get paid more than me and don't work nearly as hard as me? Fuck them and their stupid ass job. I fucking hate my store manager and I would try to get him fired if I had a great idea to get him canned. I'm cooking up schemes, but they'd be very hard to pull off without me risking losing my job or possibly getting arrested. But one thing I want to do is put up a "Whites only" sign at the front of the store and piss off all the race relations people. Wouldn't that be fucking funny? Then I want to do something with putting up really offensive flyers, like the abortion fllyers I have on my flash drive. Wouldn't that be comical? The only thing that's stopping me from doing this is the fact that if I get caught, I could get fucked over. So I have to be slick as hell, and I just have to figure out a way to do it so that no one sees me plant that shit up everywhere. I'm so going to get that store condemned to hell. I feel bad for all the people who are going to lose their jobs, but it's a necessary evil to get those corporate fat cats out of power and bring in some new, better, positive people. Someone who will drive the company into love and happiness. Not some profit seeking shit. I'm tired of that. I want some fucking praise, too. What the fuck is with those fucking people who don't say one good thing about the job you're doing and expect you to just conform to what they want? They need to stop that shit. I'm going to need to get rid of the people who piss me off personally and piss off other people as a whole. That's the only way my business there can run smoothly. I could open a company that gets people fired for other people. how funny would that be? "Yeah, Andrew, I need someone fired by Thursday for me." "Sure thing, just get me everything you know about the person, and he'll be gone by Wednesday." Fucking awesome. Put people in their fucking place all right. Sometimes I just gotta do it. I think it would be amazing, but only if I could evaluate the people's motives for wanting certain people fired first. Because some people may want good, hardworking people fired, when they haven't done anything wrong. I want the bad ones to get fired. The ones that don't belong at certain workplaces anywhere at anytime. So we'll see about that shit. I'm going to milk the vow of silence thing for awhile. I'm going to see how far I can go with it. If I don't talk at work, and tell them I have a vow of silence going for religious reasons, can they actually fire me? I doubt it. If they do, whomever fires me will be fired within the week. That's how I fucking roll, bitch. I'll probably make a pretty penny off that shit, too. I really gotta work on getting Greg Esper fired as manager of Bi-Lo. How could I possibly do that? Brainstorming is very important here. Ooh, I got it. Put a bunch of flyers of a fetus eating contest or a dead baby juice drinking contest, or even a puppy killing contest and place them all in the lobby and say that they will be held at Greg Esper's house. That may do something. It's just when do I slip those things in the flyer holder and how can I make sure they stay there? It's not as easy as it looks. I could put them in the bathrooms and hope no one takes them down. I'd have to do something of the sort. I don't fuck around, you know. I just gotta do it. Maybe Tuesday, that sounds like a good day for me. I'm doing it. that's it. Update after it's done.

I wish I had something I'm missing

2006-07-21T14:57:00.001-07:00

It's hard to realize what you don't have when you're not aware that it exists. I'm going back to college and I'm ready for such an adventure. I'm changing my major to Spanish, so I can do something meaningful with my life in that respect. But I'm missing something important, and I'm not sure what it is. I know my dream of being a stand-up comedian has been put on hold until I get my drivers license and I have a feeling that will complete me to some point. But it's so weird because we're all fed this ideal way of living, but it's not practical for everyone. I don't understand how some people will just follow the supposed path that is socially conditioned to them without ever thinking for themselves whether it is the right move for them. They just do what they're told to do, mostly because they have no direction in their lives themselves. Anyway, I'll write more later after I eat. Later.

I wish I had something I'm missing

2006-07-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

An Introspective Look at Myself Through a Distorted Lens

2006-07-14T08:05:00.000-07:00

I am a comedian. I am a lover, not a fighter. I am a man. I am 20 years old. I am good to people and animals. I play pranks. I write jokes. I perform those jokes. I get people to laugh at those jokes. I always seem to find a way to offend someone, no matter how subtle. I don't like Carlos Mencia. I like Dave Chappelle. I hate the fact that today may indeed be the last day in the history of the world, but I've gotten past that. I believe that there is no time period except the present moment. I believe that there is a possibility for anything to happen if you just put your mind to it. I have very vivid dreams and sometimes they become lucid. I blieve in caring and being compassionate towards others. I have never read a page in the Bible. I have never read the Kuran or the Buddha book. I don't hail from Islam, nor Zoroastrianism. I do believe we are all connected spiritually as one collective being and if you hurt someone, you are only hurting yourself. I believe movies, television, and the media is only present to scare the living daylights out of us and use that fear to make us buy the stuff they want us to buy. I don't really watch TV anymore unless it's a show I enjoy and I never watch commercials, they'e too short and pointless. I'm working out semi-regularly, like once a month and I believe that one day I will become what I want to become and that day is now. That time is now. I've never read The Power of Now nnor have I read Subjective Reality/God-consciousness books. Itry to buy books on tpae or even cliff notes on tape to save time. I joined Columbia House DVD club and got screwed over sic times because they sent me DVDs I didn't want and charged me momey for them. I wish they would be more honest. I am a student at Coastal Carolina University and I just got accepted as a transfer sstudent. I am a Math/Spanish major and a communications minor, probably going to be a math minor as well. I try and live up to only my expectations and no one else's. I am an enigma wrapped ina riddle. That is all for today, hope you enjoyed my blogging.

My brother is in town

2006-07-13T09:22:00.000-07:00

My brother visited us from Rhode Island this summer and he's been here for two days so far and let me tell you, I never thought my house could be so noisy. He constantly wants attention and he just doesn't stop. Sometimes I think he should be sedated. Ha, ha. It's so funny because if he wasn't so energetic, I could just sit here and type a blog entry without getting...distracted. It's all right, though. I must maintain. Be who I am and not let this get the best of me. Cause we got older, but we're still young. You know what I'm saying, you readers you? I'm back on my diet as of today. High fiber, low refined sugars, many fruits and veggies, and that's about the extent of it, oh and only whole grains. That's it. I don't do enriched bleached flour with all the nutients shoved back in that they took out when they severed the grain. I did lose 15 or so pounds on it before and I haven't gained anything back, so it's just that I want to have more energy. At six one, 171.5 lbs, I think I'm as thin as I'll ever be and I have energy that's pretty well, it's just I sleep too much. Like nine or so hours a night. Isn't that a bit excessive, wouldn't you say? I guess I'm just looking for a reason to get out of bed, so until I find a valid one, I'll be sleeping until 10:30 or so.

Fake Myspace was a waste of time

2006-07-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

The whole fake myspace thing was a colossal waste of time. It's too much energy running a fake life in addition to my regular life, but I'll tell you that if any loser sees a hot girl on a myspace, they're so quick to ask her to be their friend. It's fucked up. Anyway, I've been looking for a way to achieve financial independence and abundance and I think I may have found the solution. Today, while finding out I was accepted as a transfer student to Coastal Carolina University, realized that getting a degree may not be the most important thing for me to do, but it has definite relevance to where I'm going. I'm very much into comedy and other things related. I love to perform stand-up comedy and I love to do voices and stuff, as I am developing a CD to go on sale very soon. It's great because all I really need is myself. I don't need to depend on anyone else to do any work for me. It's all about getting my message out. But I just have to map out the basics and stuff. You know, it's not easy right now, but as soon as I get to college again, I'm going to build a network of people who can help me get this whole comedy thing off the ground. I'm doing pretty well on my flyer book, but it's just taking awhile to get all of them done. I need certain things to get all of them done, certain pictures, and they're all getting pretty monotonous. I'm sure I'll hit some inspiration somewhere. I have to get all of this off the ground in order to experience what I'm looking for: financial abundance. I hope to achieve this abundance to the effect where I can decide whether or not I need to work anymore and not have to do it out of necessity. I just have to do it. I have to get all the voices in order, and all the skits out in order, and it should come together nicely. It is coming together nicely. I just wish my best friend was here to work with me. That would be fucking tizzight. It's all right though, we'll figure some shit out soon, just to get this all done and get it out there. Anyway, it's been really nice blogging tonight, and I feel like I got some issues off my chest. Thank you all.

Fake Myspace

2006-07-06T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have been working really hard developing a fake myspace as a joke to someone who used to work at BI-Lo with me. He's the most pathetic thing I've ever seen, the guy who left and he is so fucking desperate for a g/f, so I created a fanstasy girl for him and put a fake myspace up. I got a photo off Google and it's pretty funny because I got like fifteen friend requests from other people who want to fuck this fake someone I created. Its pretty funny so far. But in any event, I still haven't done much to the person this fake myspace was intended for because I don't really know what to do so far. All I've done was ask him to be my friend and he accepted. The rest is pretty open. I'm thinking about developing a rapport with him, and maybe fucking him over by asking him on a date, which will end up being a big flop for him because there is no real Jenny, just the one I created in my imagination. Enjoy, you stupid mother fucker!!! The only reason I"m doing this is he threatened me one day becausehe thought that I wrote some letter and put it in the suggestion box at our old work and he thought I tried to frame him and get him in trouble, which was total bullshit. I didn't do anything like that, and then one day, to get back at him, I IMed him with a fake SN and fucked with his personal life and all that shit by telling him I would give him five million dollars if he talked to Jonathan Caru. Ha, ha, ha. So he sent me this long message on my real myspace saying if I ever do anything to him like that again, he's going to have me in "cuffs." What a stupid asshole. I did nothing illegal, that stupid mother fucker. Anyway, I think he'll eventually get what he deserves, he tries to test that, he's bound to get served. Mother fucker gets what he deserves. Peace out.

LEvels of Consciousness

2006-07-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

I was on StevePavlina.com and looking at a post called Levels of Consciousness. Here is an excerpt from that article:

Shame - Just a step above death. You’re probably contemplating suicide at this level. Either that or you’re a serial killer. Think of this as self-directed hatred.

Guilt - A step above shame, but you still may be having thoughts of suicide. You think of yourself as a sinner, unable to forgive yourself for past transgressions.

Apathy - Feeling hopeless or victimized. The state of learned helplessness. Many homeless people are stuck here.

Grief - A state of perpetual sadness and loss. You might drop down here after losing a loved one. Depression. Still higher than apathy, since you’re beginning to escape the numbness.

Fear - Seeing the world as dangerous and unsafe. Paranoia. Usually you’ll need help to rise above this level, or you’ll remain trapped for a long time, such as in an abusive relationship.

Desire - Not to be confused with setting and achieving goals, this is the level of addiction, craving, and lust — for money, approval, power, fame, etc. Consumerism. Materialism. This is the level of smoking and drinking and doing drugs.

Anger - the level of frustration, often from not having your desires met at the lower level. This level can spur you to action at higher levels, or it can keep you stuck in hatred. In an abusive relationship, you’ll often see an anger person coupled with a fear person.

Pride - The first level where you start to feel good, but it’s a false feeling. It’s dependent on external circumstances (money, prestige, etc), so it’s vulnerable. Pride can lead to nationalism, racism, and religious wars. Think Nazis. A state of irrational denial and defensiveness. Religious fundamentalism is also stuck at this level. You become so closely enmeshed in your beliefs that you see an attack on your beliefs as an attack on you.

Courage - The first level of true strength. I’ve made a previous post about this level: Courage is the Gateway. This is where you start to see life as challenging and exciting instead of overwhelming. You begin to have an inkling of interest in personal growth, although at this level you’ll probably call it something else like skill-building, career advancement, education, etc. You start to see your future as an improvement upon your past, rather than a continuation of the same.

Neutrality - This level is epitomized by the phrase, “live and let live.” It’s flexible, relaxed, and unattached. Whatever happens, you roll with the punches. You don’t have anything to prove. You feel safe and get along well with other people. A lot of self-employed people are at this level. A very comfortable place. The level of complacency and laziness. You’re taking care of your needs, but you don’t push yourself too hard.

Willingness - Now that you’re basically safe and comfortable, you start using your energy more effectively. Just getting by isn’t good enough anymore. You begin caring about doing a good job — perhaps even your best. You think about time management and productivity and getting organized, things that weren’t so important to you at the level of neutrality. Think of this level as the development of willpower and self-discipline. These people are the “troopers” of society; they get things done well and don’t complain much. If you’re in school, then you’re a really good student; you take your studies seriously and put in the time to do a good job. This is the point where your consciousness becomes more organized and disciplined.

Acceptance - Now a powerful shift happens, and you awaken to the possibilities of living proactively. At the level of willingness you’ve become competent, and now you want to put your abilities to good use. This is the level of setting and achieving goals. I don’t like the label “acceptance” that Hawkins uses here, but it basically means that you begin accepting responsibility for your role in the world. If something isn’t right about your life (your career, your health, your relationship), you define your desired outcome and change it. You start to see the big picture of your life more clearly. This level drives many people to switch careers, start a new business, or change their diets.

Reason - At this level you transcend the emotional aspects of the lower levels and begin to think clearly and rationally. Hawkins defines this as the level of medicine and science. The way I see it, when you reach this level, you become capable of using your reasoning abilities to their fullest extent. You now have the discipline and the proactivity to fully exploit your natural abilities. You’ve reached the point where you say, “Wow. I can do all this stuff, and I know I must put it to good use. So what’s the best use of my talents?” You take a look around the world and start making meaningful contributions. At the very high end, this is the level of Einstein and Freud. It’s probably obvious that most people never reach this level in their entire lives.

Love - I don’t like Hawkins’ label “love” here because this isn’t the emotion of love. It’s unconditional love, a permanent understanding of your connectedness with all that exists. Think compassion. At the level of reason, you live in service to your head. But that eventually becomes a dead end where you fall into the trap of over-intellectualizing. You see that you need a bigger context than just thinking for its own sake. At the level of love, you now place your head and all your other talents and abilities in service to your heart (not your emotions, but your greater sense of right and wrong — your conscience). I see this as the level of awakening to your true purpose. Your motives at this level are pure and uncorrupted by the desires of the ego. This is the level of lifetime service to humanity. Think Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Dr. Albert Schweitzer. At this level you also begin to be guided by a force greater than yourself. It’s a feeling of letting go. Your intuition becomes extremely strong. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by 1 in 250 people during their entire lifetimes.

Joy - A state of pervasive, unshakable happiness. Eckhart Tolle describes this state in The Power of Now. The level of saints and advanced spiritual teachers. Just being around people at this level makes you feel incredible. At this level life is fully guided by synchronicity and intuition. There’s no more need to set goals and make detailed plans — the expansion of your consciousness allows you to operate at a much higher level. A near-death experience can temporarily bump you to this level.

Peace - Total transcendence. Hawkins claims this level is reached only by one person in 10 million.

Enlightenment - The highest level of human consciousness, where humanity blends with divinity. Extremely rare. The level of Krishna, Buddha, and Jesus. Even just thinking about people at this level can raise your consciousness.

Very interesting stuff. So, may I ask you, which level are you at right now and how could you poss9ibly go upwards to achieving higher awareness? Food for thought.

Momma Said Knock You Out

2006-06-30T10:07:00.000-07:00

The Red Sox have won 12 straight games. Take that, Yankee bastards! Ezekiel and Jebidiah are coming over for Chamomile tea today, along with their German shepherd, Bobo. We are going to reminisce about memories past and have a jolly good time. Just fucking with you. Ezekiel couldn't make it. Ha, ha, ha. But, either way, I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I'm working all weekend at BI-LO at the Beach and there's going to be so many tourists buying disproportionate amounts of yum-yums. But they're on vacation, so let them do what they want to do. I just won't let it get out of hand. If some fat fuck decides to buy 900.00 US worth of stuff, I'm going to take them outside and talk about why if they buy all that shit, it will fucking ruin their whole profit margin. Anyway, I've been doing all right. Been experimenting with Intention-Manifestation and the Law of Attraction, focusing my thoughts only on what I want and not on what I don't want. One thing I'm trying to manifest is one million dollars. It's been going well lately. I've received many five dollar tips in the past six weeks, and one was out from left field, as I talked about earlier in a previous post. I got another five dollar tip yesterday, which is so very uncommon because many people don't even give tips (and they're not supposed to. shhhh.) But in any event, I'm a manifestation machine so far and I'm well on my way to receive my million dollars. It will take some time, but I know for a fact it is happening. I just focus my thoughts on what I want for one minute a day, and spend the rest of my day not focusing my intentions on what I don't want and just remaining open to the idea I can manifest money. And that's the way the cookie stays intact. Peace to all of you and Consciousness bless.

My New Diet

2006-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't much to say today, so I'll talk about my new diet. My new diet consists of fruits, vegetables, dark chocolate, whole wheat, lunchmeat, and water. Nothing else whatsoever. No dairy products, no cow products, no sugar, no babies. It's all natural, minus the whole dark chocolate thing. But it has powerful antioxidants or something, so I get about a piece or six a day to fill my sweet tooth. Oh yeah, I'm eating peanuts as well, but only in moderation. Apples, blueberries, raspberries, and peanuts are the most eaten, not to mention Frosted Mini Wheats, which has been a constant in my life for many months now. I gave up soda months ago and it's amazing becuase I haven't even craved one. Except for last night when I stood there staring at a Nesta, thinking, "Should I drink this bitch?" But I decided not to because I have better self-discipline than that. And I'm so happy because that's the one thing in my diet I have stayed strict about. I wish I had a way to control what I eat. I have to be able to not eat anything that has to do with cows, because it makes me feel like absolute shit. I should definitely eat things like vegetables and fruits, which I have been doing pretty regularly. Whole wheat is a given, but for the most part, I find it to be a filler. A sandwich is meat with bread on the end, filling up space that would otherwise make the lunchmeat look ridiculous. Think about just eating lunchmeat. You would get it all over your hands and they would smell like ham or turkey. The bread keeps the hands clean, don't they? But they really don't have any other use. For mini wheats, I applaud the fiber content I get from it, but besides that, it's mostly just a bunch of useless carbs. I could get my fiber from flax seeds along with essential omega-3 fats. I don't see why I don't just do that for breakfast. Some flaxseeds, a banana, and a cup of herbal tea. That would totally just make my day. But it would be weird and distasteful. Flaxseeds don't taste too good by themselves. They need something to flavor them. Maybe some sort of nut could ramp it up, like walnuts or almonds. That wouldn't be too bad. I've been on the stationary bike for about three weeks now and I'm enjoying it. I'm staying at about 100 RPM for six minutes on level 2 of hill. That's pretty good for me right now because my stamina on the stationary bike isn't what it should be yet. Eventually I want to be able to do 24 minutes on level 12. That's in the very distant present, maybe in a year or so. It will be tight as hell. I can't wait until I'm in really good shape so that I can be at my ideal weight. I've lost over ten pounds in the past six months, which is a very good, but I need more toning in my abs and arms, which means I'll have to go to the gym or some stupid shit. I hate going to the gym because there's always people using the equipment I want to use and they never get off the damn machine. Well, it's all about timing I guess. Maybe if I go either very early in the morning or very late at night there won't be anyone there. I sure hope so. I need my space when I work out. Maybe I'll get a Bowflex. That would be fucking funny as shit. All right, it's about time for me to get to my luncheon with Donald Trump and Calista Flockheeart. Just fucking with you. I'm going for a presence walk, later mother fuckers!!! Ha, Ha.

Why is it so hard to stop watching TV?

2006-06-21T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a post on why it is so hard to stop watching TV. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm not addicted to it, but every night after work, I find myself in two to three hours of wasting my time watching Law And Order SVU and CI. What the hell is the matter with me? I think the problem is that everyone else in my house watches TV all the time, rain or shine, east or west, and this makes it very difficult to be able to not watch TV. I believe if our whole family went on a TV fast, then we could definitely just stop it all together. It's not like there's any new good shows on right now, is there? There's nothing to really watch. Yet I can't stop. WTF? My brother right now is watching the World Cup and he's probably never seen a full soccer game before in his entire life before this bullshit started. I, on the other hand, don't really care about soccer that much. It's great if you're a player, but who the hell wants to devote all that time to watching all those games when there's no real point to any of it. If I'm going to watch my television at all, I'm making it a DVD or a VHS. No more of this watching something, until the commercial, I change stations, then watch something else, until that commercial, and I have to go back to my original show, but it's already four minutes in after the last commercial break and I lost what I was watching. Then the cycle continues when I switch back to the other station and it's still not done its round of commercials. Or is it that it is, had another show interval, and went to another run of commercials? I don't know. It's just an endless cycle that I really do not want to keep falling into. I'm tired of advertisers telling me what I should buy and all those drug commercials telling me that I need a pill because my legs move at night before I go to sleep. I'm tired of the mass media trying to instill fear in me when there really is nothing to be afraid of, not even death. Why is this world so messed up? People are so greedy and want money so bad, but they'll sacrifice everything, even their morals, to get their fair share of the cash. Why are we so corrupt as a society? Because Sammy Davis Jr. says so, well not really, but sort of. Fucking Taylor Hicks advertising Ford trucks as his first order of business after winning AI. Why should I have to be subjected to such an abyssmal performance, not to mention a loose moral decision? I just don't know anymore about this sort of thing. There's no more "entertainment." It's all fluff and reality shows that no one really wants to watch unless you have no life of your own and don't want to do anything with your life except take pride in what the people are doing who are on TV. TV needs to end soon. No, I don't care who gets thrown off Survivor. I don't give a shit who gets fired on the Apprentice. I don't want to know if it is a Deal or No Deal. I really don't care. When it comes to TV, I'm saying No Deal.

TV: I can do without

2006-06-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

Television is another terrible invention that I wish was never invented. It’s such a mindless activity and so many people waste their lives in front of that idiot box. Some people spend up to eight hours a day watching TV. If you were to live until ninety years old and on average you watched eight hours a day of television, you will have watched 30 years of television. If you live to be eighty years old and watch an hour of television per day, you significantly decrease the amount of time you waste staring at a screen wasting your life away. This amount of television viewership will only amount to three and a half years of television, compared to thirty years if you become a television addict. I used to watch my share of television. Everything from Sanford and Son to South Park. Like those are polar opposites. But in a nutshell, I must have watched three to four hours a day on a regular basis. How did I break the habit of watching too much TV? I’ll tell you what I did. I got rid of the TV in my house and I gave it away to a Vietnamese family living on the outskirts of town. It made them happy and I did my good deed for the week.
I have been TV-free for almost a month at this point, and sugar-free for about the same time as well. I feel if I can get off TV, which can be very hard to do because you look at the time and think, “Oh, my show’s on now!” but you can’t watch it because you gave up TV. It’s hard to really grasp that concept for some people. “No TV? Are you serious? None?” Yes, none. Why not? What has it done for you lately? Sure it may entertain you to some point, but there’s no real value in watching it. The news you say? You don’t need to watch the news. Go online or listen to the radio while reading a book and you’ll be able to get all the news you need while at the same time not watching something that is so mindless it makes me want to vomit.
People who have nothing better to talk about than TV sicken me. If you’ve ever met one of these people, they always start talking to you like, “Did you see Survivor or American Idol last night? Oh it was so great!” And I’m like, “No, sorry, I don’t watch TV.” And they’re always like, “Why not?” And I’m like, “I don’t even know where to begin.” Because their life revolves around television so much that they can’t possibly conceive the fact that someone on this planet is not also consumed by television. Television leads to advertisements and advertisers manipulate the public through the media, mostly television, to get them to buy their product. And I feel that this is also wrong, but I really don’t care because I no longer watch television.
How much time are you wasting in front of the idiot box? Twelve hours a day? Six? Four? Or just one? Either way, you could definitely benefit from a real hobby, an active hobby, something that will bring you away from something that really doesn’t do much for you. Read a book, talk on the phone to a friend, do crossword puzzles, anything that won’t push your mind into oblivion. Just get away from it. Throw your television away or stow it in the attic so you can’t get to it without great difficulty. Talk to the people in your family, for God’s sake. Do something that isn’t so passive and be more active in life. You weren’t put on this planet to watch the Nick at Nite Marathon of I Love Lucy.

You're not going to believe this...

2006-06-07T09:36:00.000-07:00

My yo-yo is defective, as says a Yomega spokesperson, so I won't be receiving it for 6-8 weeks. It's all right though. I don't really want it anymore. I've got to start working on my book again. Ever since I started working again, I haven't done any work on my book. Ha, ha, ha. I can't wait to see what happens at work today. An ex-employee is pissed off at me because I messed with him online two days ago, but whatever. I just told him I was his angel and could connect him to someone who could give him 5 million dollars and he was like, "I'm tired." So I tried to say goodbye, but he kept persisting, so I then decided to have him to a google search on a scam I had heard about and he got pissed off and shit, but he thinks it's me. So what? I didn't do anything wrong. It was all in the name of fun. I didn't harass him. I even tried to stop. I wasn't soliciting sex online either and he not once asked me to leave him alone. What's he got on me? Talking to a stranger online? People do that shit all the time, so he can shove it. Oh yeah, and Doug, stop trying to frame me for that letter you wrote. Don't think I don't know what you did to me on myspace. WTF is the matter with you? Saying I'm trying to get you in trouble...hahaha. Why don't you go home and think about what you're doing? Don't accuse people of shit unless you have evidence. I know you're mad at me now, but you shall see that I really don't care. And don't spread your propaganda to the other employees. That's not cool, man. Not cool. I haven't done anything to them or you, except the online thing. And you asked me to send you those emails, so don't try and say I was telling you how to live. I was helping you. I'm out for today.

My new yo-yo

2006-06-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

I ordered a yo-yo from yomega.com called the Lancer. It looks to be pretty good from what I've heard them say about it. I've been working on the stationary bike as well. I really like working on the stationary bike because it doesn't take that long and afterwards, I feel like I've really had a good workout. So far, I'm up to six minutes at around 90 RPM every day and I've only been doing it a week, so it's not all that bad. I've been getting in really good shape lately, losing weight, toning my abs and arms, and I feel good doing it, and that's all that should matter. The stronger I get, the more adequate I'll be when it comes to tasks that previously I was unable to do. I'm a big fan of yo-yos, ever since the seventh grade in fact. And knowing that I'm on the path to getting better allows a small reward. I'm 20 years old as of now and I'm working on paying off my college tuition. I've encountered many roadblocks in this journey, but that's a tale for another day. I'm also, at the moment, writing a book that will see bookshelves in six to eight months, godwilling. I'm sure of it. Just got to get it done. All right, I've got to eat lunch soon, but I'll talk for a little while longer. I'm awaiting a call from Barbara to see if she finally sent the 5234.29 US Dollars to my university. She better have. I don't know why it takes two weeks after they received it to send it to my university if I sent a certified check. It is just insane. I contacted her today, but she didn't pick up, so I left a message and she should be getting back to me shortly. I don't know why it's taking so damn long. If it isn't squared away in the next three days, there is going to be an uproar in me that will cascade for another six weeks. I don't know why it won't let me do new paragraphs, so I'll continue. I've been getting into Zen a lot lately. Reading zen stories, practicing zen meditation, going to zen restaurants. It's quite an amazing experience. I recommend it highly. Dear Buddha, or one who is enlightened, I hope to be you someday. Here's one of my favorite zen stories: A man is being chased by a tiger and he goes off the side of a cliff and holds onto a vine, only to see below him another tiger jumping up and clawing at him. Just then, knowing he is going to die, he notices a single strawberry dangling on the very vine from which he swings. He grabs it, takes a bite, and boy! was it delicious! This story stresses that one must live in the present moment. Don't let your past cloud your life. Until next time, be yourself.

What inspires you?

2006-06-02T09:42:00.000-07:00

What inspires you? Do you have any inspiration in your life? What is your life's purpose? How do you know you've chosen the correct purpose? What are you planning to do with your life? What are you putting off until "someday" that will most likely never be fulfilled? Why am I asking so many questions?

Many people have trouble figuring out their purpose in life. We all do at times, but at this particualr moment, there are a few people who are just not able to know for sure what they want to devote a significant portion of their life to. And I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, it's just that it would be very helpful to know what you're going to do with you life. Shouldn't it be? It's just so confusing with all the options that we have today and if it resonates with you as a person. It's just very strange to think that you can really be anything you want to be, but when it's hard to find the ONE THING you want to be, we are overwhelmed with possibilities.

Some people say you should go from your strengths and skills. Others say from your passion and intuition. Others still say you should go from what motivates you the most. It's just not an easy decision. Inspiration is key here. What inspires you the most? What makes you just feel alive inside? Whatever that thing is, be it selling cars or making model airplanes, is something that you can eventually turn into an income-generating life. Not to say you'll become a millionaire, but you will be able to make a living from it. Just hone your skills and embrace what inspires you.

What is going on in reality?

2006-06-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

Since taking the belief in subjective reality, the reality where you and only you create and control reality, many empowering thoughts have been entering my mind, which is a very positive outcome, in my mind, which echoes out into reality. It's really amazing how intention-manifestation has worked to my advantage, as I've manifested some 500-3500 dollars, depending on how you would perceive my experiment. Either way, I've done things most have only dreamed of. Meditation has been a key element for me, as I find it is a soothing way to clearly state what I want and how I intend to get it. I don't worry so much about the how as I do that what. I keep my eyes open for the how, and openly realize what I want to attract into my life and just do it from there. I have become more in tune with nature due to the belief in subjective reality. I now realize that I am all of what I perceive, which is quite amazing when you put into play everything our existence is going for. Sure, bad things still happen, but it is only due to a conflict in my own mind, which will indeed be resolved in its own perfect time. But any way you look at it, my experience of how time works and how I perceive it has also changed significantly. I live in the present moment, because that is the only moment that can truly be experienced. The past and future have only the significance that one focuses on it. For example, if you're someone who lives in the past, lives in his/her glory days, then you will never move on to the present moment until you let go of the past. That said, it is very hard to live in a world where many people don't really believe in this sort of thing, but they will eventually, when your thoughts attract people with the same belief system into your life. I'm going to have to pay a bill now, so I'll speak with you later. Have a nice consciousness.

Whomever doesn't know why

2006-05-31T08:42:00.000-07:00

So here's my dilemma. I'm going through some tough times. My bill from WU has been paid, but they still haven't received the funds. It's been over a week and although they are aware that University Accounting Services has received the money, they are "waiting" for the funds, and they're there. All 5,234.29 of them and not a penny less. So my main question to them is, "Why does it take so long for the bill to be paid?" We paid it, so get it over with. I talked to both my university and UAS today and they both gave me conflicting stories and it just gets to me sometimes, but I'm okay because money isn't everything. We spend more than 90% of our lives in debt, not to mention it doesn't bode well for our conscience. I know what I should do. To rephrase that, I know what I'm doing. Getting rid of all credit cards, loans, and the likes. I don't need that crap in my life. It's just too much. We're always trying to get things we can't afford. Why not be patient and wait until you have the money? Come on people. You don't need your electric guitar until you have the necessary funds to pay for it, and you have also met your other expenses. Why do we think we "need" all this stuff that we have? We don't "need" it. We just think we do. The best advice I have ever heard in the realm of wealth was as follows: To be wealthy can mean one of two things: The first is to have enough money to buy everything your mind can desire and then some. The second kind of wealth is simply to need nothing. To be at peace with yourself and not need any external materials to make your life grand. Which one are you?

I can tell you which one I am striving to be. I am striving to be the latter, one who needs nothing and thirves on his very existence and not on the possessions he has. There is an old zen story about a man who broke into a Zen master's house and saw there was nothing to steal. The zen master felt bad for the crook and gave him all his clothes. "I don't want you to leave empty-handed," the monk said. The only thing I really own, besides a bed, is a laptop I use to connect with the outside world. Who needs all these advanced organizers, palm pilots, iPods, etc., etc. I sure don't. I'm a little wary that if I give up on technology now and don't revisit it, twenty years from now, I'll see some devices that are not only unnecessary, but so preposturous that I will share a good laugh with some other zen people. To remove desire is to start living. Have a terrific day.

Who's the boss?

2006-05-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Like I've mentioned before, I have a job right now working as a bagger/cart getter/trash emptier/bathroom cleaner at BI-LO at the Beach. It is located in Surfside Beach, SC. I work around 35 hours a week on average and I get paid a low salary of seven dollars per hour. I have been getting into this whole thing called subjective reality, brought on by a blog I read by Steve Pavlina.com. It has to do with the fact that since we only perceive one consciousness, that we are the only conscious being in our world. Not only that, everything we experience is all there is. Only what we perceive is real in the present moment. The past, present, and future are discontinuous and the only moment that mattes is right now. It's really eye-opening because in this type of belief system, you're not really your physical body. You're more of the consciousness of the whole experience you're having. In layman's term, you are everything you perceive at the present moment and nothing else. When people leave your perceptions, they are no longer real. I guess this answers the age-old question, "If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?" The answer is there is no tree, so therefore, there is no sound, unless my consciousness is there to perceive it. Now, in dealing with having a non-localized consciousness, meaning you are everyone's consciousness, meaning there is only one, Buddha once talked about the idea of non-duality, which means that everyone and everything is you, meaning that we are connected to every living thing and every non-living thing in this world, so in order to be at peace, we must not harm any living things, because in essence, we are harming ourselves. This is one of the main reasons that most Buddhists are vegetarians. They feel they are harming themselves if they allow more animals to be harmed. I just find this type of thinking so fascinating and empowering because it makes you know that your thoughts are indeed creating your reality. Because everything you experience was created by you, you have the ability to change what you perceive solely by intention-manifestation, like Steve Pavlina's The Million Dollar Experiment, which has collectively manifested over 1.2 million dollars, with my personal total around 400 dollars. But to really let go of your current beliefs, you need to believe in something else and totally immerse yourself in it. With relation to my work, I just perceive each moment in the present, pay no attention to what time it is, except for the fact that most of the cashiers wear watches and every now and then I glance at them by accident and get mad at myself for doing so. But the thing is, when I'm in this state where time doesn't really have any effect over me, I feel like each moment in itself is sacred. And it feels so great! Just keeping your attentions on the present moment is spectacular. There's no past, no future, but only the current moment that you are no experiencing. Let me know what you think and check out Stevepavlina.com for more info in the Psychic Development category. All right, I'm out for today. Peace to all living things.

An amazing experience

2006-05-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

I want to now tell you a story about college, something I did that was so awesome I still can’t believe I did it. So let me set the stage for you. There’s this building called Tillman and there’s this fourth floor that’s always locked. So we find out the only way in is to climb up this really unstable ladder and then climb on these rafters above the auditorium in that building. So we decide one night, at about 2 in the morning, to go up to the fourth floor of Tillman. We found a way in from this padlock that someone mysteriously forgot to lock. We go in there and go underneath all the buildings through this tunnel to a stairwell where we open one of the doors and hold it open so anyone else who is feeling adventurous comes in. So we’re going up to the auditorium and we climb up the 50-foot tall ladder, and we get to the rafters. That was some scary shit, let me tell you right now. It was like walking on a balance beam for 500 feet or so. We could see the door up ahead and it was one hell of a walk from point A to point B. But I managed. I had one of my friends in front of me and another behind me and we walked. I kept thinking, “Don’t fall, don’t fall.” because if I fell, it would be onto the seats of the auditorium, over 50 feet below. So we get to the end of the rafters and we’re finally come to this door, which is unlocked. So we go in and we see the fourth floor of Tillman. We see that unlike the nice, carpeted floors the other levels have, this floor has unfinished wood and is very dark. It’s amazing to see some of the thing sup there. The first thing we notice is a dead pigeon next to a shattered glass bottle. It was a sign of things to come.
There are various live pigeons in this area. One of my friends actually tried climbing up a ladder to an even higher level, but a pigeon that was up there scared the living shit out of him. So we come across someone’s personal belongings: clothes, shoes, bedware, and other very strange possessions, and we don’t know whose they are, but we continue on, looking around. We find this one room that had financial records of students dating back all the way to the 1920’s. It was amazing! We were looking at people who had gone to this college many, many generations ago and to see what the bills were for Winthrop at that time was very discouraging. But we moved on and found a couple of pieces of old, dilapidated furniture that was extremely dusty. Then we found this chair and my friend sat in it, got up, looking shaken and said, “You sit in it now.” I was like, “What’s going to happen if I do?” He said something to the effect of, “Just try it.” So I did. I could feel a powerful calm take over my entire body. I could see the horrible deed that had taken place on this fourth floor that sealed it forever. A murder. Of a professor who lived up there when Winthrop was essentially that one building. I got up, and I pray that no one ever sits in that chair ever again.
I’m sure there were many rats and other rodents in that area of the building, as we would often hear noises and it was most definitely haunted, I would say. But we were so high on the fact that we snuck in the building and got into a place that no one had been in over thirty or so years that we just savored the moment for many, many decades. Exploring became one of my personal hobbies at that college. It replaced studying for tests and doing homework. That is another reason why I got out of that school. Bad grades, but grades are only subjective, right? They don’t mean that much in the long run.

Belief Systems

2006-05-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

I know many of you have belief systems and you all think that they are right. Christians believe in certain values and certain ways to live, but I believe that much of it is fear-based. They fear that if they don’t live a life full of virtue and confessing their sins, they will go to hell. Something of that nature. And they feel that if some people don’t follow their belief system or religion that those people will go to a place so bad it is unimaginable. But what proof do they have? And why do they believe this? That God is watching all of us and taking notes of everything we do. Keep in mind that Christianity was created way before there was any evidence of other planets and solar systems and that it seems to be some kind of slick marketing ploy. I don’t know how accurate that claim is, but if you think about it, is there any proof otherwise? Some people wanted to make money and they capitalized on human nature and fear of death. The human nature part has to do with wanting to be part of a group. The fear of death is self-explanatory. People don’t know what’s going to happen when they die, so Christians make up some story like, “If you’re good, you go to heaven. If you’re bad, you go to hell.” But who confirmed this? Some people say their faith confirms this. But is faith really something that people can just follow blindly without any version of proof? And does it really matter at all? No, not really, but some people, in fact many people seem to think it does.
Wow. I am opening up Pandora’s Box, aren’t I? Well, maybe the box is just a creation of my subconscious memory. Here’s something I just got into my head. History. How do I know my mind didn’t create a false history of the world and the universe just to make my conscious mind feel all right about everything? We come into this world with no knowledge about it and when we die, we still know only a fraction of what there is to know in the world. But the world is so small compared to the rest of the universe. So we’ll never know everything about the universe. It is inherently impossible for anyone to grasp that amount of information and it is impossible for someone to actually experience all of it, so how do we actually know everything is out there? I just don’t know anymore, you know what I mean?
What the hell am I talking about? Who is going to answer these insane questions I’m posing? I find it fascinating that if one thing happened a split second sooner than it actually did, it will completely change the nature of the reality that follows. Isn’t it something. For example, let’s look at the Kennedy assassination. Let’s say Lee Harvey Oswald or whoever shot Kennedy missed or hit him in the arm instead of the head and he lived. Or if Jesus was killed before he turned five years old. What would the world be like today if those things happened instead of what really happened? It is a mystery of life where one decision at one time, no matter how insignificant it may seem, can change the world and the universe. But we still can’t apply meaning to the universe, so it’s hard to know exactly what these miniscule variations in our world would do with respect to the whole big picture.
For all you Christians out there, how do you know you’re not already in hell? Because you have a preconceived notion of what hell looks like? No one knows what hell looks like because there isn’t one and if there is, well, there isn’t. And I’ll tell you why Christians hate science. Because it has the capacity to prove their religion wrong. How about that nugget of information? That would leave most religions in shambles and would cause all the churches to close down. It’s just that most people grow up in a certain religion, a certain way of life and they follow it because their parents tell them that it is right and they think it’s right because their parents told them and it usually spans on for generations, which will lead to a time that had no idea about the world around them except that Jesus Christ could supposedly turn water into wine.
But your beliefs shape your reality. And if your reality doesn’t matter, then why are people so afraid to challenge their belief systems? People are also so afraid of taking risks. Maybe it’s because they think they have financial security, but they really don’t. They have nothing, if you look at it from another standpoint or perception. People do what they think matters, but it really doesn’t. And if nothing is real, nothing really matters, what is holding you back from doing what you want to do? You don’t have anything to worry about if you fail because there’s no point to it after all. If you can grasp that concept, you can do more with your life, even if it doesn’t really matter so much to you, but it will matter to others who don’t think this way. I seem to be talking out of my ass, but it only seems that way because you don’t believe the same things I do.
Changing what you believe to be true and false is a big step because most of the beliefs you have were conditioned from an early age. That’s another reason why I got out of college. They wanted me to adapt to a belief system where doing well in class and getting good grades were more important than learning about other things. I was really bored with the mundane topics that they would bring up and try and force on us when in reality, I really didn’t care about them, but cared about things that really resonated with me, like the nature of reality and how the universe became the way it is now. But I even dropped that because I now know that it isn’t that meaningful. None of it really means anything, but at the same time, you still should live your life happily because why just give up on what you perceive to be as real and just say, who cares? You could very well do that and just give up and it wouldn’t matter, but I’m sure you would be miserable. Just wasting away, but that’s perfectly okay if that’s what you want to do. Do it, go ahead, it’s not my concern.
But if you want to open new doors and experience things that you never thought were possible because now you know that anything is possible because nothing is really going to contradict you. Nothing will contradict your perception of what you think or believe is possible. Whatever you believe should and will be true. And if you believe that your reality is very limited, then it will be limited. If you don’t think you can get any money, then you won’t. It has to do with believing that anything is possible because the universe has no limitations because it might not even exist. Once you get past this stage, you can realize that you can, in fact, do anything you want to even though it doesn’t really matter on a full scale. People live with these thought bubbles in which they think they know what is possible and impossible.
So, why don't you sit back and ponder what I have just said and enjoy, for the moment, what could be. I'm Andrew Brunelle, signing out. Peace.

Does anything really matter?

2006-05-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I’ve come to an absolute realization recently. Well, I was close before, but one day, since being home, I’ve seemed to have figured this whole thing out. Not just me, not just the planet, but everything. There is no point to anything. There isn’t a point to anything whatsoever. There’s no explanation of why we’re here and there’s no proof that we’re actually here. Who’s to say this isn’t a reality that my consciousness has created? I read an article about how you can only be completely sure of your consciousness and no one else’s. Like, how do you know that all the people who are in your reality aren’t merely creations in your mind? It’s so abstract, but it’s something that I think we should all consider. Some things like this can create philosophical disasters, but I think I’ve really hit a nerve with this topic.
If you really think about it, why are we here? Is there some sort of reason? And if you actually have any idea of how big the universe is, you’d know that we are such an insignificant part of this universe, like half a grain of sand compared to all the sand on all the beaches and sandboxes of the universe. That’s how small our planet it. Not only that, each person is a gigantically denominator fraction of the Earth. It’s very hard understanding reality because not many people really take the time to consider it. But it’s so strange to consider why we are here. It’s not like we’re making a big contribution to the universe. If we weren’t here, we’d still have the universe and our planet would still be here. And why are we the only animals on the planet who can communicate effectively and somehow use all the other animals to our advantage? And why do people make such a big deal about all the little things in life when even the remotely big things in life are trivial compared to the universe and even the history of the world. It’s so strange that we constrict ourselves to this planet and even our own country when there is so much out there and so little on our planet.
When I can’t see someone, how do I know that they’re still there? That’s another weird phenomenon that I can’t seem to grip my hands around. Let’s say a character in your life goes somewhere. Then later they come back. How do you know your mind didn’t just create this character to say they went somewhere and did something while you weren’t in contact with them? It’s so strange. And who’s to say that when you meet new people, it is simply a creation of your mind because you need someone new in your life? It’s so strange. Maybe the fact of the matter is that I could be orchestrating my own universe, this universe, and everyone in it that I see and coexist with is a creation of my subconscious mind. It could be that this whole thing we call Earth with its rich history and different personalities is just some big show just for me or anyone. I mean, how can I be sure of the existence of other people when I somehow have the feeling they are a subconscious creation in my mind? These are questions no one can really answer, but it’s definitely something to think about.
I often ponder these questions and it’s very strange, but the more I think about it, the more I believe it. It doesn’t seem like there really is a point to life. Is there really a point? I mean, who’s going to remember all of this a thousand years from now? Not only that, are beings from other planets going to care about what we did a thousand years from now? Not only that, but will the universe care what happened years before? So where is the meaning? They say thousands of stars die each day. And it’s not like we’re losing any sleep over it. Millions of planets are dying because of lack of energy from their sun, and we don’t care. We’re just going on with our life. It’s so weird. But I’m starting to believe that without any proof that we’re here for a reason, I can’t really fathom that any of our existence matters at all. At least other animals don’t have the capacity to even question this sort of thing. On the contrary, we do, but many of us decide not to question it. Well, I say, question it, delve into your mind and try and make sense of the whole thing. It’s not like you have anything better to do. This is finding meaning in your life. But since I’m speculating that there is no meaning, maybe it will alleviate your stress level. When you believe that your actions don’t matter half as much as they really do, you’ll be able to relax and take everything in. You just have to understand that life isn’t exactly what it seems to be and reality is a façade that really just boggles the mind.
What is life? Why are we so concerned with preserving life? It is part of our genetic code, sure, but what is that? We are to perpetuate the fact that our species should reproduce and we are conditioned to look for the best possible mate to make the best possible offspring. Is that really what life is about? Just perpetuating our species? What would be the point of doing that? So we can find out the mysteries of the universe? And if we do, what will that prove? What will that all mean? So what if we figure out what it all means in the end? What will that do for the universe? It’s so crazy. It’s almost as if there is some kind of damper that the whole universe puts on us. People are always trying to better themselves and that’s great. But for what purpose? To become a better hypothetical mate for someone? Or is it to gain enlightenment into what our purpose is? I just want to clear the air here and say I haven’t read any books on this sort of thing, but I am just speculating based on my true observations.
So do I get it? Does that even matter to you? Maybe I do get it and it’s just that you don’t. Maybe I created you specifically just to disagree with me. Who knows? I’m not saying I am a god. Quite the contrary. I just think I’ve figured something out that most people haven’t really done much thinking about yet. It’s so strange to talk about this because I don’t even know if anyone will read this book far enough to even see this material or if this book will ever see publication. I can tell you right now that this is honestly the most truthful book I’ve written. I’ve given you everything I could on the topic of my life that had to do with my getting kicked out of college. But the philosophy and purpose of life: I have much to say.
I don’t fear death. Not one bit. Why should I fear death? Because I don’t know what’s going to happen after I die? That’s not a reason for me. It’s just I really don’t care when I die or how I die, it’s that I would like to find out what happens, when this crazy thing we call a universe decides it is time for me to leave this planet. Maybe then I’ll find out what exactly is going on and why our existence matters one bit, if it does at all. It’s almost three o’clock in the morning. And I’m so energized from writing about this I’ll probably be awake for the next five hours. What do I care? It doesn’t matter anyway.
Time is another thing. Sometimes we perceive time as faster or slower, but supposedly time is constant, but I really don’t see how that’s possible. Like if you’re doing something where your mind is not concentrating on the time, you really don’t notice it unless you’re sitting by a window and can see how light or dark it is outside. So what exactly is time? Well if my theory about nothing mattering is correct, then time would be something that doesn’t matter either. And how the past is behind us and can’t be changed, but there is always room for change in the future. Things can change in an instant and we can remember past experiences as well as imagine future circumstances, but those times are not now. Now is the only actual time that is experienced. But it’s so strange how some people all at different times are doing different things and sometimes I’ll wonder what a certain person on this planet is doing at a specific time.

Kicked out of college and somewhere to go...

2006-05-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

So, anyway, here's my story about getting kicked out of college. It happened about three months ago, to the day today. So, yeah, I had my trouble with authority and had my trouble with addiction. My trouble with addiction was not any controlled substance. It was an addiction to prank calls, tricks, and other forms of "harassment." I'm not proud of what I did. I called people up seven or eight times straight, hanging up each and every time, sometimes standing right outside their door so I could get a reaction. I showed one guy at my school the "devil doormat" trick I concocted from hours of deliberation. The doormat was a hidden gem in all the bad things I did because it wasn't at all mean-spirited, well none of this behavior was. It was all in the sense of good-old-fashioned entertainment. So here's the doormat story. So, I find this doormat and I put it in front of this guy's door. I go back up the next day, it's gone. I eventually found it in the bottom of one of the stairwells and placed it back in front of his door. So the next day, I go up there again, and it’s gone. So I’m looking everywhere for it, wait, there is an interjection here. In the midst of this, there was this other guy who was a complete asshole that I wanted to mess with, but didn’t. It was my friend Derek who did something that started another chain reaction that got me kicked out of college. Here’s how this went down: This guy, Chris Bennett, was a closeted gay guy on our hall and he was really condescending and a prick. One time, he told me to go fuck myself for no apparent reason and said I looked suspicious for being out in the hallway at 6 AM after my bus came in. So I’m messing with his roommate who often locks himself inside his room by leaving the key in the keyhole. This guy who I was messing with, just for fun, has no common sense. I told him there was a party that wasn’t even existent. But my friend Derek got in on the fun and decided to tell him that his roommate was gay. This was when I was living with Trevor. Gaines had moved into a cross country house. Anyway, he tells Trent, Chris’s roommate, that Chris is gay and it starts this whole fucking chain reaction that leads to so much shit, you wouldn’t even believe me. So the following day, Chris Bennett and my roommate have a long talk about it. While they’re talking, Ronnie, a friend of mine, and I are walking outside, waiting for that talk to end, and we see the doormat in pine strawl on the side of Richardson building. So we put it back. We put it BACK.
So it’s back now, and Ben and his roommate are having trouble getting rid of this “devil doormat.” I’m laughing it up. I think they really thought they could get rid of it, but I wasn’t going to let that happen. So the next day, it’s gone again. I go outside, looking everywhere, and I have a vision. I don’t know why I had this vision, but it was a great vision. I got a call from Derek and I told him, “I know where the doormat is.” So I bolt up eight flights of stairs, out of breath and out of my mind. I finally reach the roof level of the building, where the door to the roof is locked, but there’s this little landing on each side of the building. Sure enough, there is the doormat. I was so amazed that I almost cried. I call my friends, and we were ready to roll.
I take the doormat back to my room on the second floor and my friend Ronnie puts his name on the doormat and his room number, so that if they ever try and move it again, it will end up back at their room. So, anyway, this type of behavior went on for weeks and months after that, until one day campus police showed up. Yup, campus police. They were pissed! So I came clean, eventually. I told them everything and they told me it is very possible that I will be kicked out of the university. So I decided to stick it to the university. I don't know why. Maybe I was afraid of telling anyone I got kicked out. So, anyway, I went back.
I owed the university $5000 dollars and was considered a “cancer of the university.” But I couldn’t tell my family that, at least not yet. So I went on Christmas break like everything was normal, but as the days led up to going back, I could not think of a plan to get myself out of this situation. I thought about getting a student loan to register for classes, but I would still have a hold on my registration because I didn’t go see the Dean of Students. I was in a real conundrum, a labyrinth if you prefer that term. What was I to do? The cancer survivor who was an Honors student having to tell his mother and grandparents that he was going to eventually be kicked out of the university.
Well, I decided to go back anyway. I just showed up back at Winthrop and figured, “When the catch me, I’ll go home.” I even concocted a rather elaborate scheme where I would live in the library or something if they kicked me out of the dorm. I don’t know what I was thinking. But I also said, if I go home I can live above the garage. I must have been desperate. But anyway, I just went back. So what if I wasn’t registered there. What were they going to do? I had friends there. There were a lot of Christians there, but I didn’t really like that too much, but I had other friends that I liked to hang out with but most of them had already left the university willingly. Derek was gone and Ronnie seemed to disown me after I got caught, so I said, fuck him. I even knew myself that I didn’t want to be there. But I went back. I would pretend to go to class and just go to a study room or to another building and walk around or write comedy things or concoct some elaborate money-making scheme. I became enthralled in a world of isolation and self-reliance. I didn’t have a meal plan, so I would have to either get food from a vending machine or go to a restaurant every now and then. I couldn’t afford anything. It was very hard, but it was better than telling my family the truth, but the truth always comes out somehow, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?
So, I’m becoming more and more infuriated with my roommate who is the most selfish person I have ever seen in my life. He would often play music and invite people in the room when I was sleeping, but the worst thing he ever did was try and kick me out of the room at 1:30 in the morning so he could have gay sex with some guy he met online. And then he blamed me, in front of me, to all my friends for preventing him from “getting his mack on.” Well fuck you too, Trevor. You know, I should have changed rooms. I really should have, but he moved into my room. He took over my living area. I thought I would spend the whole semester without a roommate that semester, but he knew, he knew that I was alone in there and he had many gay friends on my floor so he wanted to move in on this floor, even though he had a room to his fucking self up on the seventh floor. That fucking bastard! So, in light of that, he would jerk off to gay porn while I was in the room! In the fucking room! That sick bastard! And he wouldn’t even give a shit. He would tell me how big his penis was, how there’s nothing he loves more than sex with another man, and all this fucking disgusting shit that I really didn’t want to hear. He was a really bad, blunt person and I swear to this day that he deserves everything that happens to him, which will probably be something like getting fucked in the ass on a nightly basis.
He was 350 pounds and very overweight. He would often sweat like I’ve never seen before. He would rub this nasty-smelling shit called Jergen’s Cocoa Butter all over his fat, disgusting body and walk around the room perpetually in his underwear. Like I wanted to see that shit. He slept all fucking day, all fucking night, and was never out of the room. He stopped going to classes and failed all of them. He was just a fat, disgusting waste of life. We used to joke, my friends and I, about him. One of my favorite jokes that I came up with about him was, “He’s living three of the seven deadly sins: Sloth, Gluttony, and McDonald’s.” Another great one was he was registering for classes and one of my friends told him, “Hey, McDonald’s is not in the course catalog.” But anyway, he was the most repulsive and genuinely mean, mean guy. He smoked a pipe, too. A fucking pipe. I should have changed rooms. I really should have.
I started plotting a way to fuck him over, and I thought I had him. The only problem was something that I could not control. You remember how I said that I could not let them look at my laptop because I had incriminating things on it? Well I had developed some elaborate money-making plan that used PayPal and eBay, but it would need the credit cards and bank accounts of many, many people to work effectively. Also, I needed access to hundreds of computers and accounts, which I could muster at the university. I guess you could say it was something that was so illegal, it wasn’t even funny, but it worked like a charm, in theory. Of course, I was too chicken to try it out until I figured I had an out if I could not use it for my personal gain, but to use Trevor somehow and benefit me financially. I’ll detail it now.
I guess you could call what I was about to attempt a giant risk. Obviously, I was the only person who had access to the personal information that he needed to get besides his parents, so if I got caught, I was pretty fucked. But some risks are better experienced than just passed off as a pipe dream. So here’s what I did. The basic plan was to gain the information of ten to twenty people, all people who had a checking account, a credit card, and a home address. My goal was to get this information from them in any way possible that would also keep my anonymity and not have them suspect that their card’s numbers or check numbers were stolen. After attaining all these numbers, I would use one to four people to sell items on eBay and also make a PayPal account to transfer the funds into. So from there, someone would buy the items I was selling on these “fake” accounts and would deposit money into one of the people’s PayPal accounts. From there, I would use that money to buy “fake” items put up by the other people whose information I had stolen and the money would travel from person to person to person for about a month, then eventually, it would all go to one name. Then that name would eventually pay me, which would end the cycle and make me that much richer. While it seemed to work in theory, there were so many variables that did not appear in the making up of this plan.
Luckily, Trevor didn’t press charges and I was all set and cleared for starting over. Thank God, Allah, or whoever you worship. I was so relieved. I only charged like $7.00 on his account but it should have been $0. But I learned that police and fraud are two things that I never want to deal with again. I have turned that part of my life over and am now working, which is good for me. I feel that hitting bottom and dealing with the police and facing the possibility of going to jail is very eye-opening to the life I was leading at that moment. There was no future in it except jail. That’s why now I know that in order to grow I need to accept what I did and not hide it. I’m not perfect. I was almost perfect before I went to college, but now I see that I have some flaws I have to deal with. I’m really glad I got to come home and there is no threat towards me going to jail. I have rejuvenated my life and cleaned it of pranking, fraud, pissing in radiators, and other things I did just for the hell of it because I was impulsive. I don’t shoplift, which was another impulse that could have gotten the best of me.
So now I’m sure you’re all asking the question: Why would you do these things? You know, it’s not an easy question. I think it was that I was bored. That is one of the main reasons. I wasn’t adjusting well to the college. There weren’t a lot of people like me around and I felt as if I didn’t fit in. I had a few friends, but they would always end up leaving the college and that kind of pissed me off. But boredom was a big factor. I needed some excitement in my life. I needed something to keep my occupied. I was desperate for excitement. So I used an outlet that people don’t usually use, but I feel that it was a blessing in disguise that I learned the lesson I learned. It would be so exciting to live like I was living, but there was no real substance in it. It was so variable. It’s like being a con artist. You can be the best con artist there is, but without having meaning to your life, it’s meaningless work. But I’m past that now. I’m past living like that. Let the healing process begin. I’ve been reading a blog and articles from this guy named Steve Pavlina. This guy is amazing. He’s a personal development blogger and he has hundreds and hundreds of articles about personal development. His early life experiences are similar to mine in the crime-related field and he took it upon himself to turn his life around, and I aim to do the same. I believe with help from him, my family, and other outside factors, I can become everything I want to be and more.

There comes a time...

2006-05-10T08:43:00.000-07:00

WEll, for the second time in two days, my boss was giving me crap about not doing my job correctly. Whatever, I'm looking for a new one as I type this. What I've learned from this is that sometimes you'll have to deal with people who are out to get you, and other times you just have to press on through it. But I havet o make a stand. They say the best revenge is living well an I agree. But you shouldn't live well just to get vengeance. You should live well for yourself, not for anyone else. I cannot believe that I've gotten so down. What is the matter with me? I think I"m just lonely, but that's not the whole thing. I've experienced a new pillar of awareness and it's leaving me kind of down. Supposedly, that's the first step, so it's fine. I'll deal with it. Here's what I came to: Why do we matter? From different perspectives, our lives are meaningless. Like look at the universe. Look how big it is. Comapared to one individual human being, the universe is so big and mind-bendingly expansive that it makes us look like 1/1000000000000000000 of a piece of dust. Earth isn't much bigger. So why does it all matter? There are all these planets floating around with all these suns, but why? Why are these things the way they are? And how can we justify meaning when knowing these things lets us know how insignificant we are? I guess the only way to do it is to create meaning in your life, in the perspective of your lifetime. Try and do good and work for the highest good of all, whatever that may be. It's quite amazing what's out there, but does any of it even matter? It's up to you.
The depression may be natural after figuring out what's going on. LIfe is so strange. People die through no fault of their own every day. So many people go around, fearing death. THey're so afraid of it. Well, I've looked death in the face and said, "Come on, I'm ready to fight you." (read my cancer story) So why do we let our fear trump out existence? I'll leave that up to you.

Fucking Asshole Bosses

2006-05-07T15:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so here's what happened today at work. I had been working for about three hours and my boss, the owner of the store, told me to go home, and I still had five hours to work. I told him, "I can't go home, I need the money." And he said, "Well, someone's going home, and it's not gonna be me." So I stayed for another hour until he called me into his office and said, "Hey, didn't I ask you to leave an hour ago?" And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Why did you ignore me? That's insubordination and is a firable offense." And I said, "Yeah?" He said, "So, you either leave right now, or I will fire you." And I said, "I'll leave," and I got the hell out of there. So even though I didn't get fired, I am starting to look for another job. I have to. I fucking hate that asshole. But anyway, that's beside the point. Blockbuster here I come! Ha, ha, ha. I just want a job where they respect me for who I am, not expect me to be some robot. I say, he can go to Hell, which he will end up in anyway. All right, that's my two cents.

My story of cancer

2006-05-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

This is my story of how I got brain cnacer and turned it into a positive story. I’ll tell you how it all started. One summer, when I was sixteen, I started having terrible headaches. At the end of that summer, after working 40 hours a week for 12 weeks, I went down to Myrtle Beach from Rhode Island for a one week vacation visiting my grandparents. The plane must have made the pain worse, because that whole week I spent in bed feeling like shit, throwing up and having excruciating pains in my head. The day before I was supposed to go back, my grandmother took me to the emergency room and they said it was a flu, but my grandmother insisted on getting a CAT scan. This was probably my life-saver. The scan showed enlarged ventricles. Which was strange because that meant I had fluid building up in there. So I went on a 90 minute ambulance drive to MUSC, located in Charleston, SC. I was in so much pain, the ride seemed to last for hours.
When I got there, they put me on IV painkillers and were doing all this neurological tests. My pupils were the size of my eyes, so that wasn’t very good. There was so much pressure, I couldn’t even think. So they decide to perform an emergency surgery that night and put a hole in the ventricle that’s causing the problem. I woke up from that feeling better, but still feeling kind of shitty. I found out my mom had flown in, which was great. My eyes felt like shit. They hurt then and they still hurt sometimes today. I was in the ICU, or the Intensive Care Unit. I had a tube coming out of my head, draining fluid, I had IV needles in both my hand and my other arm. It was awful. I had school starting the next day. I assumed I wouldn’t be going just yet. God damn it, my life was not good at that point. Two days later, the doctor, Dr. Haines, performed a surgery where he did something else to my brain. I don’t know what it was, but I woke up from the surgery freezing, shivering, and I had a rash on my chest. I don’t know what the fuck they did there, but I never felt the same again. I was wide awake after the surgery. I tried to sleep, but the only sleep I could get was this ultra-light sleep where you didn’t really feel like you were sleeping at all. God, it was miserable. I hated the fact that I was missing school, too. I had to make all that other stuff up. I had no idea at that point what was going on. I didn’t know what the problem was. But I went on home anyway.
So we took a flight home. We had to change planes in Washington D.C. I believe, but both my mom and I were in wheelchairs. We had these two Muslim people push us all the way to the plane. They just made it there with five minutes to spare. They kept asking us if we’ve ever read the Quaran or something. They were nice people. My mom tried to give them a tip, but they said they didn’t want anything. So we went to the next plane. The guy who took the tickets was an asshole. Literally. I got up there, shaky as hell, asked him where my seat is. He was like, “I don’t know, I don’t care. Get your ass back in a seat. There are people behind you.” Imagine the nerve to speak to someone who just had their fucking brain cut open twice like that. So I finally figured out where we were supposed to sit.
My mom made sure they had a wheelchair for me when we got off the plane. The guy, the same guy, said, “I didn’t hear anything about a wheelchair.” While we were waiting for the chair, the man said, “The chair is here.” Then I started to get up. It was hard for me, because I was so fucking weak. Then he said, “Get up, God damn it!” I got up, and I guess my mom started yelling at him after I got down off the plane. She said something like, “What is your name? What is your name? My son just had brain surgery and I don’t appreciate you treating him like that!” The guy, all nonchalant, just said, “Whatever! Whatever!” “What is your fucking name? You asshole!” “I don’t gotta tell you shit.”
So, there we were in Boston Airport, Logan is what it’s called. Driving home was a pain in the ass. It was over an hour and every bump we went over hurt my head. But we made it. I remember the Red Sox were playing the Yankees that night. I remember they lost, too. I had Domino’s Pizza that night. I guess it was a way to drown away my pain. It didn’t work that well. I remember my bedroom was moved downstairs so that I wouldn’t have to climb up a flight of stairs every time I wanted to go to bed. I slept for awhile that night, but I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I had these weird, disconnected, light sleeping dreams where you could wake up from a very light, small sound.
I remember waking up that next day, hardly being able to walk correctly. My aunt had made us blueberry muffins. I was glad. They were so good, too. I ate like five of them, and later that day, my best friend Pauly came over with his mom. I was feeling a little off, but I still had a conversation, but after awhile I felt weak and disoriented. It was okay, though, because now I knew I wanted to get back to myself. It would not be an easy road, but I knew I could conquer it.
I spent the next couple of days at home, where I started getting ready to go back to school. I had missed six days in the process of feeling better, even if I wasn’t exactly feeling that good. But I still had to go back. I couldn’t miss any more days. I was taking Junior Seminar, a high-level English course with Mrs. Eagan. She was really strict. So there I was, back in school, explaining to all my teachers that I missed the first six days of school because I had to go get my brain operated on twice. I had a note from my doctors and everything. It was a hell of a day. I still felt like shit. My eyes hurt like shit and my body was all weak from not doing anything for like two weeks. I had to shave the beard I had grown off. I grow hair so fast, it’s sick. Which is why I had to shave for like an hour. In two weeks, my beard was fuller than Grizzly Adams’ beard.
I had English, History, and Precalculus my first semester back. U.S. History that is. It was mad easy, though. My teacher for History was Mr. Costentino. He was pretty cool, if I remember correctly. Yeah, and we didn’t really learn much that we didn’t already know, but all I really had to do was participate in some of his reenactments that he loved to do. It was cool, though. Even though I felt like dying most days, it was a nice distraction. Third block of school was reserved for my math class that year. Precalculus was not easy. The teacher was awful. Mrs. Beabault. God, she was one of the worst teachers I’ve ever had in my entire life. She wouldn’t know what the fuck she was doing up on the blackboard and she would teach us things by making us do work. She never really taught that much. She talked more about her fucking family than did anything to do with teaching. So, that was the class where I would feel my worst out of any block. I would just fucking sit there and listen, my head throbbing, eyes hurting, and it was just a waste of time.
My last block I had a teacher who taught Computer Graphics. He was the worst teacher I’ve ever had. All he did was hand out tutorials and fucking say every day, “Okay, let’s go to work.” He never taught one class. All he ever did was fucking say, “Let’s go to work.” It was fucking hilarious. But one time I caught him drinking on the job. He had a brown paper bag filled with alcohol I presume. He would look left and right right before he took a swig of it. So I would sit at a computer animating bullshit cartoons that I really didn’t give a fuck about. So I made a Thanksgiving animation. It was funny because it was so badly animated. First, it looked like the person was moving all jerky. The Indian shot the turkey with a bow and arrow. One frame the turnkey was fine, the next he was on his back. It was a piece of shit. You know I can admit that. But I really didn’t care because the teacher was an alcoholic. His face was all red, he was old and didn’t talk much, yet he coached girls’ soccer. I had my theories that he was a pedophile. His name was Dale Seward. Search that name, Woonsocket High School, on the sex offenders database.
During that semester, we went to Providence to see if there was a doctor who could do something about my tumor. The doctor we found was Dr. Duncan. He had my MRI’s from South Carolina and he actually told us that he doesn’t think it would be safe to operate. I was like, “Well, I can’t stay feeling like this.” The next time I came in, I was feeling significantly worse and I talked to his assistant about how horrible I was feeling, and then about ten minutes later he came in, saying, “Feeling good, aren’t we?” He had no fucking idea how much the tumor was debilitating me. He didn’t give a fucking shit because he said he can’t do anything. We were a little discouraged, but what could we do? My mom started searching for other surgeons and we decided to go up to Boston, the brain tumor capital of the world, for treatment that is. We saw this surgeon named Dr. Gumnerova. She told us she has done my particular penile gland tumor many times before and that it is routine in Boston. I was relieved that finally we had someone who would know what she was doing. Her approach was rather aggressive. She would attempt to remove the whole tumor, if she could. In any even, she said she would cut open the back of my head, then spread the two halves of my brain apart to get to the tumor. Then she would try and get as much out as possible, have pathology work on diagnosing, and then we would see where we go from there.
I felt pretty good about it, but there’s always risk in surgery. But, this was the only chance I had to be normal again. So I went for it. My mom researched her extensively, and her background, what colleges she graduated from, and what her track record was. She was surprised to find that she was a model surgeon and we went ahead with the surgery. I will never forget the date of my surgery. December 18, 2002, ten days before my 17th birthday. I remember I missed the last three days of school that quarter, but my life was more important than school, at that point. So I went into surgery, with an IV in each arm and I was ready to count back from 100 as I fell unconscious, courtesy of the anesthesia. The part I was most scared about, ironically, was the IV needle, because I had a bad experience with that in Charleston, they kept missing the damn vein and caused me so much pain. The got it well in Boston and I was ready to go. I remember my grandparents, my mom, my dad, and his bitch girlfriend was there to witness myself going into surgery.
They say my surgery lasted eight hours, but it really didn’t feel that way to me. I remember waking up in such excruciating pain, it was indescribable. My skull had been cut out and I had a cast on the back of my head. I was in so much pain. I was on morphine, steroids for swelling, and a myriad of other medicines that I had no idea about. Every hour in the hospital goes by so much slower than in real life. Especially if you were in the amount of pain I was in. The next day, the worst thing possible happened. They took me in for an MRI. They lowered my head down to flat on the table and that hurt more than anything I’ve ever felt in my entire life. My head was too low and the throbbing continued. I couldn’t even respond, it hurt so fucking much. They could have waited a couple more days for that, but those assholes didn’t give a shit about anything but making money on that MRI. I can see how they wanted to save my life, but the noise was unbearable, also. If you’ve ever had an MRI, you know what I’m talking about. It sounds like high-frequency beeps and, well, I can’t explain it in text, but it wasn’t pleasant. Now, when they took me out, I was in even more pain, and I felt like I was going to die. But I thought if this is what it takes to get better, I can do it.
I spent the next week or so in the hospital, while my family fell victim to this flu that was just terrible. I forget what they called it, but my whole family was throwing up and diarrhea constantly. My grandfather and uncle and cousins already had it. Most of them who had it didn’t come and see me because if I caught that flu, it could spell disaster. I was in that hospital until December 23, the day I went home and rested up for quite some time. I couldn’t see where I was going. One time I tried going into my bedroom and ended up going outside. It was not good. I had to take Hydrocodone every four hours and my mom would wake me up to take it. I didn’t sleep well with Hydrocodone because it made you sleep really light. Not only that, but I had quite some pain to deal with. It was terrible. We had a really bad Christmas, let us just say. On Christmas, I started feeling sick to my stomach as well. I thought, oh no, this can’t be happening. But it was. I had caught the flu. I remember that night I couldn’t sleep at all because I kept almost throwing up. Then, finally, it happened, I threw up in the toilet. With all the head trauma I had sustained, the pain was unbearable. Anyway, throwing up wasn’t fun. It never is. Then I went into my mom’s bedroom and told her I just threw up. It was awful.
At six A.M., I still hadn’t fallen asleep and I was startled by my mom who gave me some pain pills and steroids. Thankfully, I didn’t refund them. As a matter of fact, I didn’t throw up again for the remainder of my life, up until today. But in any event, I still felt sick to my stomach and pain in my head for many, many days after that. I couldn’t eat for days. After the initial flu period, I felt better in the stomach region. I could not believe I had lost 15 pounds after this ordeal. I was down to 170 pounds. I’m about six feet tall, so that’s bordering on the skinny side at 170. I knew that eventually I would have to go back to school. All my assignments were piling up and I still felt awful from the surgery. Just imagine what it was like to get those stitches out. I had 64 stitches in the back of my head. That’s right sixty-four. It took them an hour and a half to remove all of them. Then I had to wait for my hair to grow back that they so conveniently shaved off. This was not going to be an easy road, I could see.
My first day back from school was terrible. I couldn’t walk straight, couldn’t see straight, and felt terrible pain throughout my entire head. It wasn’t very good for business. I was still taking steroids for the swelling, which causes constipation, in case you didn’t know. So straining at the toilet was making my pain that much worse. It’s so hard to take a shit when you have a terrible headache. You have no idea. I remember doing absolutely nothing my first week back. I still had to go back to work, too. I loved my job.
Let me tell you about my job in detail. I worked, ever since my second semester freshman year, at the place called Kids Klub, Inc. It was an after-school program and summer camp, where we would watch the kids and make sure they got their homework done, then either take them outside and to the gym. It was a great way to use up three hours of a school day after school and make some money on the side. I really liked the job because it allowed me to help children become the future and all that crap you hear on the radio. My boss was Tom Deacon, an officially overweight and out-of-shape guy who really cared about kids. He wasn’t very nice to talk to, though. He used to be so bland and boring and he was impossible to make conversation with. He was a good guy, though. There was a bevy of a supporting cast of the other people that worked there. It was like a revolving door. I know why people didn’t like it there. Not enough pay. Some kids will drive you through a fucking wall. I was young, so I really didn’t care about the money as much. I wasn’t trying to support a family, just trying to have money to do the things I wanted to do. I worked there one-and-a=half school years and two summers before this tragedy happened to me. And I didn’t want to let them down. I even worked a couple of months after the initial two surgeries down in Charleston, but I felt awful doing it. I couldn’t connect the way I used to. But, anyway, they had just diversified their Klub so that it was spread out in seven different places at seven different schools so there were a lot of different jobs created from this. I could have worked anywhere I wanted. For those two months I worked at Citizen’s Memorial School, which had the bitchiest woman running it I’ve ever seen in my entire life. She was 21 years old, Puerto Rican, and overweight, and she used to yell at everyone and bitch about this and that, and that’s all she did. She fucking hated me, too. What a fucking bitch. Then, there was Wanda, another Hispanic woman who was so nice. I felt bad for her, working under a bitch like that, but what could I do in that situation? I wasn’t in a position of power, because I wasn’t eighteen yet.
After that crazy summer where I worked 40 hours a week the whole time and ended up in the hospital with a tumor, which is where the story comes back full circle, I left off talking about Kids Klub. Yes, the KK. Oh, the fun I had there. Some of those kids were so bad, I almost wished they would just never come back. I hated most of them. There were a few good seeds, but mostly a bunch of Spanish-speaking tyrant kids who didn’t have any values because their parents worked three jobs each and didn’t really care about their kids. I would see the parents coming in every night and I knew who the good ones and the bad ones were. The ones who dressed decently and had some rapport about them were the ones who seemed respectable. Some of the parents were downright awful, hitting their children in front of us and the other children who had not yet left. It was utterly hopeless for those kids. They just didn’t have the solid upbringing. You know?
So radiation was a pain. I had to go there for thirty days straight, except for weekends. Even when it snowed, I still went. There was a blizzard, and I had to go up there for five minutes of radiation. It was ironic because it took over an hour, most times, to get there. It was two hours for five minutes. It was crazy, but I went through it. The first time I got it, they just did a general radiation on both sides of my head. For the first fifteen days, they would do just a general radiation. This was something that I didn’t understand, but I guess they just were making sure there was no other tumors starting to grow microscopically. After the treatment, my head often swelled even more. They gave me steroids for the swelling. That was a pain in the ass, and other places, literally. It made me constipated and I developed acne again. All over my body. I wanted to get off them so bad, but the pain was so unbearable, I had to take them for like two weeks. And I had to wean off them, too. But I never want to take them again, and hopefully I will never have to deal with them.
After the preliminary radiation, fifteen days, I had lost a significant amount of hair and I was starting to wear a hooded sweatshirt in class. One woman told me to take it off one day, and I told her I was going through radiation and had a brain tumor. She brought me in to Mr. Panu, an assistant principal at my school. He gave me a note that allowed me to wear a hat or a hood every day until my hair grew back, which would be about three months, but since I only had like two months, it was fine. Eventually, I became bald as a billiard, as my oncologist so frankly put it. Her name was Dr. Marcus and she always said, “Don’t be alarmed!” It was funny. We Used to make fun of it. “Don’t be alarmed? I’m gonna get alarmed! My hair is falling out, God damn it!” It was a good and bad time for me and my family.
The second cycle of radiation was very complex. They but me on this moving table and also this laser beam out shoot at my head in like nine different places. It was insane. Every time I had that, certain pieces of hair would fall out more. It was insane. I never thought at the young age of seventeen, ten days after the surgery was my birthday, I would be seeing clumps of hair on my pillow. But that was my reality. At least I knew it would grow back. Hopefully. I made it through the whole radiation process and started writing comedy jokes and stuff. It was a fun time, besides my brain being fried. That was the worst part. Every day I was closer and closer to being better. It was amazing how fast I started feeling better after the radiation was over.
One thing that made me happy through the whole thing was I got to use the Make A Wish Foundation to meet my favorite comedian at the time, Jerry Seinfeld. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. Sometimes in April, we got seven or so tickets to go see him for free and got to go to a free dinner. The best thing about it was I didn’t have to die. I got to use the foundation without meeting an untimely demise. I was so glad. He was a pretty nice guy, too. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen his show, but it’s one of my favorites of all time. We got to see him perform stand-up comedy and then we got to go backstage to meet him. I got to shake his hand and give him some of my preliminary material that I had been working on while dealing with this devastating circumstance. He wrote me back via email and told me what he thinks of it and he told me which ones he liked and he told me, “You’re funny!” which really spoke to me, which made me want to pursue a career in comedy. He is one of my role models, and a terrific guy for what he did for me.
A couple of notes about that night. One was the limo we took broke down three times on the way there and the way back. It was the worst limo and the most evil limo driver I have ever seen. We almost didn’t make it to the show. That would have been devastating. I would have been so mad if we ended up staying on the side of the freeway for the next six hours. The guy hitched a ride with some guy and got a ride to get a new battery. There was a problem with the alternator, which for some reason didn’t work right, and caused a whole mess. Luckily, we ended up getting there on time, barely. I hope next time Make A Wish calls a limo service, it fucking works. But I can’t really complain, I got to go see him and I got his feedback, which eventually I would have gotten anyway when I became famous. Not yet, though.
Back to my miserable cancer experience. Curable by radiation, which was great, I was officially cured in June or so. The tumor was shrinking at a rapid rate and had almost gone into remission. I was relieved and glad that this would be the end of my sick life. I was wrong. After about six or so months of feeling pretty good and becoming a new human being with a stunning personality and all that stuff that people value in someone, I started to get headaches again. It wasn’t from the tumor, I’m sure, it was from constipation. Listen to my theory. I was constipated regularly from the steroids at one point, and then the head trauma I had experienced, plus the straining I would have to do when I tried to go to the bathroom resulted in another head case. Every time I sat down on that toilet, it got worse and worse and worse. At least now I incorporate a healthy diet of fiber in my diet. That was what I was lacking previously. But I was back to being in extreme pain and was struggling at school because I was in constant pain. I still worked, but had to quit around October. Actually November, because I remember my last day was Halloween. That was the most painful day because my best friend’s birthday was that day and I couldn’t go out with him and do shit. I was devastated.
I felt like that for at least a month and a half. Until I discovered a system that changed my life again. It was called Creating Power. It was this system where you use affirmations and removing negative thoughts from your mind to get better and feel better. I really believed in this stuff, so I started to follow the program and surprisingly, it worked. It was amazing. I have never seen anything like that, barring new things I’m working on. It made me shift my belief system from nothing to believing in believing that whatever you want to happen can really happen. All it takes is affirmations, visualization, and hard fucking grunt work. All those things helped me to become better once again. I felt great after Christmas and was ready fro more schoolwork. I had just one semester to go, one in which I got work release fourth block so I had a three-fourths long day. I remember that my senior year in high school was decently average, normal, which is what I had been expecting ever since this tumor happened. I took AP Calculus that year and was the best student in the class. Mrs. Walker, my teacher, thought I had real potential in mathematics in college, so that’s what I ended up going for. My other classes sucked ass, except for Small Business, where my best friend at my school, Souvan, was in it and all we dad was work and laugh at stuff we looked up on the computer. It was so funny. I had a ball in that class. It’s just what I needed to be back. Astronomy was the worst class ever. But at least I had my health.
I couldn’t believe graduation was coming up so fast. It was amazing. In 2004, my graduating class contained 365 or so students, one for every day of the year. The funny thing was, my freshman class started with 606 students. That was quite a discrepancy. There was no comparison to the amount of people who dropped out. Jesus Christ, that was a lot of people. It was okay, though, because I was on that stage. Through everything, I still managed to graduate on time. I had lost over a year of my life to that cancer beast, but I was ready to get over that and go to college and try and be myself again.
We moved to Myrtle Beach that summer. I was going to college up in Rock Hill, SC. It was a medium-sized college called Winthrop University. It seemed nice. I went to Orientation, which was a three-day informational seminar-type gathering of all the new students. I went to the last one, because I wasn’t yet at home in Myrtle Beach yet for the first three. It was interesting, and I felt that I could fit in there. I didn’t meet that many people at orientation, but I made a few friends. It was okay. But I had to adjust, I thought. I finally came back home and was optimistic. I had registered for classes and everything. It was weird. I had all these classes. I qualified for Calculus Three Honors. Was I crazy? Yes, I was. I still hadn’t gotten my AP Calculus test results back. Well, that wasn’t a problem. I registered for it anyway. Who really cared? I didn’t. to make a long story short, I failed AP Calc, but still took the higher class and passed it with a B. So, it was really an enlighteneing experience and I have gained confidence and I feel that any problem I deal with now is nothing compared to the perils I went through in those hospitals. Take that. I also got kicked out of college, but I'll talk about that another day.

Lucid Dreaming

2006-05-03T06:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a lucid dream. For those of you who don't know what this is, it is when you're having a dream, and in the dream, you realize that you're dreaming and you take control of the dream. It is a very rewarding experience. For the past two months, I've been trying every night to have a luicd dream, keeping a dream log of every dream I've had. So far I've had about three lucid dreams and this one was by far the longest bout of lucidity. It lasted about three minutes this time and I was glad because I turned the landscape into an ocean and went surfing just because I felt I should. And I was right, I was dreaming, so I got to go surfing and I did it perfectly. The power of intention is so amazing! I got another three dollars yesterday out of chance! Well, I would have to say the MIllion Dollar Experiment on Steve Pavlina.com is very enlightening and it works so well. I've manifested about $400 dollars so far or something like that, I don't keep track because I'd rather just manifest it. All right, until tomorrow, peace out!

Manifestation

2006-05-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

I can't believe what happened yesterday. I've been experimenting with intention-manifestation, meaning I intend for something to come into my life and it does. For example, I have put forth the intention to make one million dollars for the last six weeks and the results have been astounding so far. Right now I'm working at a supermarket and often I'll have to go out and put the bags of groceries in the people's carts. Sometimes I'll get a tip, sometimes I won't, but that's not important right now. Yesterday, as I was going out to push the carts inside the store, a man came up to me and said yesterday I did such a good job putting his parents' groceries in their car for them that he felt obligated to give me five dollars. Another previous time I just received money was when this guy was checking out and he just gave me four dollars in change and dollar bills. HE said, "I know you need this more than I do." I know that it is still in the early going, but so far, it has worked out great for me. Onward, ho!

How are you all today?

2006-05-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

This is my first comment in my blog career, so here it goes. My current philosophy on life is that when you shift to a perspective of you vs. the entire univere, your life is essentially meaningless. But when you can find meaning in everyday occurences and in the face of every child (cliche I know), you are able to shift your awareness to a point where even though you know your life doesn't have much meaning millions of years from now, you can still try and live the best life you're capable of and can laugh while doing it. Right now I'm a freelance stand-up comedian and personal development advocate, but I really want to move from comedian to motivational and humorous speaker. I feel that it would be more beneficial to do something like that, something that benefits people AND makes them laugh. But we'll see how that goes. I'm going to be posting semi-daily on this so that I can fill up some pages and make my mark on this blogging empire. I will only tell thruths and no falsities. I'm not someone who will lie about how everything's going. I forgot to mention that I am also an advocate of a healthy diet and will have many recommendations for that as well. I'll start by saying that no sugar is key to being healthy. But that's a topic for another day. I will post tomorrow, most definitely, so I'll see you all here.